The Pearl of Panem
by Ronald Tobine
Summary: Peeta Mellark's brief story following the publishing of Katniss's work about the rebellion. It is Peeta's intention to reminisce and to detail the hard work which went into building a new Panem. The story begins following the death of President Snow and moves forward. In all it is really my attempt to work out the ramblings SC placed in my head from her trilogy.


The Pearl of Panem

by Ronald Tobine

This probably doesn't mean much, I just missed them and wondered what happened with the world they rebuilt, so I wrote the following from Peeta's perspective. I do not write to be published, instead to workout the ramblings of my mind, to try to fill in the blanks, make sense of feelings, figure things out.

I remember Katniss being pulled away from my hands. I remember watching Snow die. I remember being grabbed by several hands and a syringe stabbed into my arm. The next thing I remember was waking in a room of bright white light and the smell of musty sweat, harsh alcohol and putrid vomit. I thought of Haymitch, turned my head and there he sat. "Morning sleepy," he said. Though I was squinting, I am certain his face was red and his eyes blood shot, more as if he was crying then drunk. He looked tired and worn. Later he told me he felt as if he's been carrying me across the dessert in his arms for days on end.

"Morning. Where is Katniss?"

A huge smile crossed his face. "She's not doing too well, Peeta, but your sweetheart is home just like you planned." His voice seemed somber to me, though happy to say my name, and even attempted a grin when he referred to her as my 'sweetheart.'

"Is Gale with her?"

"No."

"Who then?"

"Greasy."

"When can I leave?"  
"We have some stuff to do first."

"No Kat first."

"If you want to take care of her you'd better finish up here. How do you feel, about her, right now?"

"Scared. Nothing's changed. She's not my sweetheart after all." His face fell. "So what is it we do first?"

Haymitch told me what had transpired while I recuperated. The people were outside demanding to see me. They were ready to tear the Capitol apart, declared pandemonium. That is why 'they' had to finally bring me around. He told me that Kat was sent back to District 12, not allowed to ever leave again because she killed Coin. The real reason being they could not afford to leave the Mockingjay to rally the people and at the same time hope to gain the power they sought for themselves. At least I could say that while the people themselves changed, the plot is the same.

I recorded a two minute video, sitting up in bed with just Haymitch. He made sure it circulated throughout the Capitol and the districts. I simply stated that I was fine and I would never leave them, and that we had much work to still do to rebuild, building being more difficult then destroying. All I asked was that they take care of Katniss for me. I was told at my mention of her name people all over Panem wept, cheered and prayed.

I trusted him thoroughly to get through these next several days as quickly as possible. He knew I was in a hurry to check on her. My stomach ached. I guess in part because I was certain I would return to find her catatonic or worse. I was also terrified at the thought of returning as I had from the first Hunger Games, painting during the day, walking the streets from dusk until dawn. I hated thinking a crush had crept into being this thing that sunk heavy on my chest. I hungered for her lips and sat their certain that no other lips could ever satisfy that painful desire.

Haymitch got me a picture of her to keep, something I could look at to battle the highjacking. It wasn't for years that I learned she left the picture for me. Then he handed me the pearl. My heart sunk thinking she gave it back to me like saying she had left me behind, my memory wasn't so good.

"You need to get this back to her," Haymitch said. Too scared to ask if that is what she wanted I just stared and him. "You know it is you she can't live without right?" Again, I just stared. If only that was true, I'd wait forever. "Oh come on. She has been the sitting dead since we pulled her out of the arena without you. Stop it will you? Stop doubting what you know is true." The problem is I didn't know it. "Yes you do," he remarked. No I don't, I thought. "You do too." Maybe I did. "See there now, stop moping around." A smile crossed my face. "Hold onto to that."

Haymitch has always puzzled me. How he knew so much, revealed so little, appeared in two places at once. There were moments in knowing him his was all I had. There were moments in knowing him I loved him as much as I could love anyone or anything. There were moments I hated him and wanted to get rid of him from my life forever. As untrustworthy as he appeared, I trusted him completely.

Each time I looked at the picture and pearl I felt overwhelmed with fear and anger. I saw someone, which was not Katniss, someone that intended to hurt me, someone that had hurt her. I cried all the time in my room alone, certain of the feeling that she was gone from me forever. I longed to be back in the games, to be with her, to kiss her. There is only one person in this world I wished to have killed and that was Snow, because my gut told me he tortured her to death, or at least any hope of us together he destroyed. I hated being that angry at anyone. My anger at Snow was gone. My anger at Katniss still hurt.

While my gut told me one thing, my heart another, my mind played intermediary and won out, certain I would never have her love the way I wanted it. Then when I tried to tell myself I did have some love from her, I believed it, and it hurt all the worse to think it bordered on brotherly. If she ever used that word toward me it would have killed me, of that I was certain. Haymitch told me to "cut it out." Not much for words, I got what he meant. He told me my father abandoned me, my mother abused me, my siblings were divided, so highjacked or not, games or not, I was going to doubt Katniss, not because of her, because of them. He hugged me and let me cry. I knew I would never be alone again. I was certain my pain over Katniss would never ebb.

Haymitch hugged me often in those days. Since I'd returned I had many days that were set backs, some I'd be angry, some I'd be sad, other's I'd be scared. I asked him to stay with me and he always did. He held me and said to me "thank you." I didn't know what he meant, though I had not the strength to ask. "She should have said thank you, too." I went into the arena for her, not for him, for her. They hayjacked me. They handed me to her to silence, too late, yet it had worked. No one heard from the Mockingjay. I fought every moment of my life to stop myself from letting these words of doubt and pain consumes me. I loved Katniss.

I hurt her and I was mad at Haymitch for that. He brought her too my room and the things I said. What she said to me. Sure I asked for her but he should have known better. Then he let me eat with her. Why did I even beg him? Was it in a moment I couldn't breathe without her? What I said . . . How I acted. I was a mutt. Gale was right.

She did hurt me. Not like they lead me to believe, but none the less she did from the moment she told me it was all a game on the train she hurt me really bad. That was true. All I ever did was try to love her and she hurt me.

But then why in 13, why was she so angry at me, because I wasn't strong, because I couldn't protect her any more? I felt I didn't have any strength left. I tried to let her go. I tried to let her have Gale. I tried to die for her. I tried to live for her. I had no idea what to do for her, how to earn her love or how to get free of her. I just couldn't bear her being mad at me anymore. Why was she so mad? Were they right? Did she love me too? Then why not rush into my arms? I hurt her too. I scared her too. I realized we scared each other.

I balled and Haymitch held me. I hated him. I wanted her arms and had to settle for his. I hated the lies, the games, the role he played. I hated that he was all I had left in this world, not a living soul alive or dead that cared about me. I wasn't like her. People still loved her; there were still so many people in her life. I wasn't like Haymitch, at least dead people loved him. The people of Panem might have wanted us together, they might have pinned all their hopes on our love and they left me behind too. I held him tight knowing even the people of Panem had left me behind.

In the brief moments I could put Katniss aside in my mind, I felt great loss for my family. I had told myself when I entered the games that I was going to be true to myself, the person I wanted to be. I believed I lived up to that. I procrastinated far too long with Katniss, was glad I finally told her, regardless of the outcome, and did what I intended to do, love her with everything I had.

My father had never told her mother about his feelings. He accepted defeat. Like Katniss's mother, my father let circumstance conquer him. I would not be conquered. Yet, I had been conquered. No I hadn't.

There was my world they were not going to take from me, the world I entered when they hurt my body, my beautiful world and her songs and her smile and even she couldn't take that from me in side my mind. I wouldn't let her. I had no choice she was gone. No, not deep in my mind she wasn't. I could even remember now with vivid detail her kisses. They were fake. Not all of them. Yes all of them. No! There was the one in the cave. Another on the beach. Are you sure? Damn it yes I am! I'll make this world a better place and then maybe when we are old and gray she'll run into my arms, knock me over and kiss me like that again. She will. No she won't. Go to hell! She will too.

In the world I made up in my mind, everything was perfect and blissful and calm. In the real world, I felt the greatest loss for him, my father. For me my father was like my Prim, Kat's sister, all hope abandoned, yet I lived on. I thought the world was supposed to stop, but it hadn't. I grabbed my chest and realized he lived on and I smiled.

Plutarch Heavensbee said, "we're fickle, stupid beings with poor memories and a great gift for self-destruction" more then once. I was determined to change that. I figured none of us would be safe until I did. There would be no choice but to remember. We will love each other. We will learn, be smart. I couldn't prevent fickle.

Yes I knew I had to hurry back to Katniss. Even if all she offered me was friendship, at least I could look at her, and maybe she'd let me do little kindnesses for her. I took so much strength from her. I don't know why and I have never had any desire to figure it out. I also determined that the children of Panem would never be hurt again, determined every bit as much as I was to protect Katniss and to see her with children so she would live on forever. If only those would also be my children.

Finally after all the prep work, looking tired and worn, I'm sure, I marched down a long hall in a hospital gown with Haymitch. It appeared we were being escorted by armed guards, though when we entered a room to meet with the new government the soldiers seemed to bow. Five people sat at a long table facing two chairs like some sort of tribunal, Paylor in the middle.

I said, "there are four things I want before I leave," knowing full well their intent was to get me to leave.

The president spoke with great care to control any emotion, "go a head."

I felt great emotion swell up in me and had no intention of burying it. The cameras played everything for all of Panem. I didn't feel that Katniss was among those watching, though I knew everyone else was. "One, I want to play a role in the new government of Panem. I will not leave them to your will. I agree to democracy, as no one man should be king, or queen, but I will be heard. I want a hovercraft. The fastest you have. I want to be able to fly to any district at anytime and then leave and be home in 12 every night to make sure she can sleep. I want all the houses in District 12's Victor Village and one in every one of the other districts. I want an equal house in the Capitol. I want to sit on your reconstruction committee as well as the education, communication, and health committees you've formed. I want to be chairman of the Board of Regents of the bank as it coin's the money. I want to assure the people of Panem that I will carry the burden of safety just as I have protected the Mockingjay." I wasn't sure that was true but I knew the people of Panem felt it was.

They were silent. I knew this first request was a great deal for them to accept, that I Peeta Mellark, and the people I trusted, would be able to keep an eye on everything they did. I gave them time to talk, to think. To get use to this reality.

"Done," the President said. Honestly, it shocked me, though not Haymitch. Unlike me, he knew what they knew, the extent to which the crowd was ready to revolt. He knew they wanted to make me their king and Katniss their queen as had been the occurrence for centuries of humanity before us.

"Two, the Mockingjay Guard stays with me. You have no say over them. You cannot restrict them in anyway and in any place in Panem." There was a silence. They couldn't agree to this. "Should I invite them in to help move things along?" I knew all over Panem thousands roared, I could hear them, thought low as it was, outside, penetrating the stone and the steel of the walls. They knew as well as I did, the militia leaders and the soldiers alike were ready to tear them apart just like Snow, how bad they wanted us to reign. I wanted democracy, certain the people before me wanted a return to an elitist control, though this time of their own making. "Quickly," I stated, diverting my eyes for them to follow toward the camera.

"Done."

"Three. The government will rebuild the houses and the towns, under my direction. Everyone will live in a house that meets their needs and allows for them to seek their wants, more like those in the Victor's Village and the Capitol then the animal sheds they once had. The people in the Capitol will have to find ways to make themselves productive as well. Their lives have changed from one filled with emptiness to one filled full, healthy, strong, purposeful. I want my family's bakery back, a store where I can sell food, a large store, to sell the food like the Capitol gets. I want the same in every district and ten in the Capitol itself. They will be mine and you won't interfere and no one will go hungry and no one will vomit from the crap they have been feed."

I could see in their hesitation a calculation of the wealth this would give me. Then I could see a calculation of the wealth a crowing would give me. "Done."

"Four, I want the Avox's turned over to me. I want the technology of the Capitol hospitals to give them back their voices, to help them with the mental distress they have undergone. I want them to have a pension equal to that of the members of the Senate you are creating for the rest of their lives. I want them to live where they choose. I want an apology addressed to them that states from now on Panem will seek not to punish, instead to help and that before life, liberty or property are taken, a fair and open trial will take place."

"Done." I knew I had worn them down and they were hoping for a quick end by that final declaration.

I knew what I was doing, outlining the new government, thanks to Darius I thought. The stores would give me money. The guards, the Avox's, the people of the Capitol and the districts, they would give me power. Not interested in collecting power, as soon as I arrived in 12, I intended to begin to distribute it, there by making me safer and Panem happier, freer, and more prosperous. They knew this and calculated that with all of this I would be even more powerful then I had been while sitting in front of them. Most importantly, Katniss would not only be safe, she could be happy. I sat back and knew I had destroyed a government for her and now for her I would rebuild it and create something as beautiful as the Mockingjay herself.

I remember looking at them searching for peace in their faces. I remember Haymitch's words whispered in my ear, "we are not here for peace." If not peace, then what? Haymitch had a tendency to offer more questions then answers, at least blunt answers. It seemed to me my life had become a struggle to figure out Haymitch, even fight him for my right to free will. Yet, honestly I trusted him more completely then anyone I had ever known before and I loved him as completely as I had loved anyone. If she was right and I gave Katniss hope, it was Haymitch that gave me hope.

I should be truthful, though I am use to being guarded. Honestly I was not nearly that nice in the meetings before hand. Before hand I meet with the soldiers, walked among them, took their words to give me strength, their statements of prayer for me and Katniss, their anger that Snow, Coin, any leader was intend to hurt or use them or me or their Mockingjay. I felt the pain of those I'd killed and in my gut it hurt looking in the eyes of every survivor to think, it could have been them. I looked at our leaders in meetings before the televised meeting and spewed venom that disturbed Haymitch. In one of their faces, my breath, my spit on them, "I am NOT afraid! You have no choice! I'll start with your head. I'll have it in my hand!"

I recalled my words alone with Snow when I yelled at him not to talk or I'd have his tongue ripped out to silence him. That was when I was beginning to realize the power of Peeta and the Mockingjay. "I am your God!" I yelled. "You live or day at my whim! You knew I loved her. You even knew she loved me. None of that mattered to  
you." I went to spit on him. I don't know what stopped me. To be honest, I was having a difficult time holding onto me, onto the person I had once been, onto the person I had determined I would be.

"It's your turn," he said.

"What?"  
"May I speak?"

"Yes."

"You realize the people want you now. They are yelling for you, the man who loves Katniss. The man they desperately want to love them just as much. You'll have to make many of the same decisions I had to make and figure out who to trust and realize there is no one to trust, and right and wrong can't be determined."

"There are people I trust and you weren't trying to figure out right from wrong."

"This is true. Who will you be when this is over?"

"Who I intend to be. Someone who acts for the better of others, not himself."

"How noble. On you they will rebuild. Are you sure you can handle the burden."

"I don't have any choice."

"You always have a choice." Then I realized he had been searching my eyes and I did not reply before he stated, "you knew all along what you were doing didn't you?"

"Knew what?"

"You and that drunken fool."

"He's never been a fool. A big hard to figure out at times."

"But you knew. I thought you loved her."

"I do."

"Now but then?"

"I am certain I did."

"But you weren't sure sitting on that stage. But you were when you offered your life to her. But you knew she wouldn't take it. You planned this."

"You sound paranoid."

"And you'll let her execute me."

"Katniss is no murder."

"She intends to be."

"That won't happen. She kills out of need."

"And what do you do?"

"Manipulate, far better then you."

"I made you."

"No you didn't. My mother beat me long before you came around. You think anything you could do to me could hurt worse than that? I made myself. I made my own world and it is beautiful and good, we are all equal and we care about each other. No one is hungry for anything."

"It sounds beautiful."

"You can't live there."

"I suppose not. Why when your mother hit you did you not fight back? Were you weak?"

"No. Maybe when I was real little, but not later. I could have hurt her when I was older. I knew my words could hurt her as much as her words hurt me. I knew the words I needed to destroy her as she knew with me."

"Then why not strike back. Why not get them before they get you?"

"Is that what you did?"

"You have no idea what they did to me."

"Your parents?"  
"Tell me why you didn't hurt them?"

"I had hoped that in my world in my mind, all the lies I told, that somehow there could be truth, that they would stop hurting me."

"Did you have hope I would stop hurting you?"  
"I had hoped that Katniss would be safe because of what I went through and I no longer cared about my hurting."

"I never had someone I loved more then I loved myself."

"Shame for you."

"For me? It tortured you."

"It gave me hope to figure it all out, to figure out right from wrong, up from down . . ."  
A silence grew between us as he looked to understand what I was saying. I wondered what had happened to him but I didn't need to know. I knew.

I recalled when Katniss killed Coin, I walked up to Snow, squeezed his mouth open and push down Gale's nightlock pill, down his throat and I said, "you can't live in this world." Following that the crowd tore him apart, trampled him. If he'd been alive still they would have painstakingly killed him. Though I had no doubt I'd done the right thing I held my breath at the horror of it all, watching Katniss pulled away, the guards I'd ordered to stop her from poisoning herself when I couldn't, the commotion in the room as the final battle of the revolution took place. "I love you Katniss," I yelled, "stay with me." She didn't hear. I'm sure she didn't even know.

So when I sat in front of my new government, I made demands and I did not do it kindly. I looked at each one and thought about how I would kill them if they refused. Anger raged in side of me and if not for knowing Katniss was alive, that hope for the world in my mind was alive, I am certain I would have continued a war that would have killed every man woman and children in Panem. I was in excruciating physical pain.

When I was done the panel delivered the speech I gave them, word for word, convincingly with love for the Mockingjay and Peeta. If they had not convinced me of their love, I was certain of their fear. It seemed I had come to inspire one or the other. I became determined to inspire only love from then on, even if it wasn't the kind of love I wanted from Katniss, it was still love. Yet it haunted me, her attempt to take her life, the thought, she doesn't know I love her. If she ever did, how could she know, "I'll show her," I whispered.

While I walked through the crowd in the Capitol, grabbed, pawed, kissed, hugged, loved, I cried with them but not for the same reasons. I cried because I knew for certain it was not the kind of love I wanted from her. No one could hurt me. Not my mother. Not Snow. Not a tribute. No one but her, and I clasped on the street, a crowd covered over me as I balled, broken and hysterical. I started to think over and over again in my head, 'please say always, please say always.' I think I was actually mumbling it out loud at one point.

Some one said, "we all will stay with you." I started to think, could I have saved just one more. I stopped and said it out loud and they covered me. They held me. My thoughts of all that died faded into thoughts of my dream of her having died. Was it all worth it? What was the point of my life? How many were suffering with me . . . how much suffering could we bear? Could I fix this so we could love each other?

I have no idea how long I was there like that. Haymitch helped me up and away, into a car. He held me as I flushed out ever last tear. He wiped my face. He kissed my cheek. He whispered, "she loves you whether she knows it or not, just like you want to be loved by her."

I determined to see Gale on my way home. I needed to confront him and find out why he wasn't with Katniss. I kept going over and over in my mind the time he confronted me. He came to my room in 13 after a spat I had with Katniss in the cafeteria. He had referred to me as having become a mutt, or that's at least what Joanna said he was saying.

He came to my room. Stared at me like he was sizing me up. Eventually he said, "I'm not going to let you hurt her."

"Since when did you decided that?"

"Always."  
"So why did you let me go into the games with her in the first place?"  
"What?"  
"The first games. You didn't protect her then. I could have played her up until the end. Then standing there I would have killed her. Snapped her neck, just like I could yours now, if I wasn't tied up."

"Well," Joanna asked entering the room. "Let's hear it lover boy."

"This doesn't concern you."  
"It concerns all of Panem and I sure as hell won't let you hurt him."

"What the hell."

"You weren't there, I was, listening to him scream, begging them to stop hurting her, begging her to stop hurting him. You have no idea what that boy volunteered for, for her, but he did."

"We've all suffered."

"What your crappy shack was burned to the ground. All your friends and family are here. What did you loose exactly?"

"What you love him now too?"

She punched him the face. Careful to stay clear of the nose with all the blood that came with it. "You don't think those people on the other side of the glass are going to come running in here to save you, do you?"

"I'll let it go."

"Damn right you will. I could untie him and he'd tear you apart like a mutt alright and they still wouldn't run in, would you Coin?" She said looking at the mirrored window. "He's Panem's King if you didn't know." First time I'd heard that statement. I tried to figure out what draws people to a dictator but my mind was far to muddled. "Maybe you should show some respect. He offered to ask her to end the war if they stopped torturing me. They lied of course but still the same with him. Would you have ever done anything like that for anyone?"  
"I didn't know."

"A lot you have to learn. I only have what little I have of my mind now because of him."

"I'm not a mutt," I say.

"No you're not Peeta," Joanna says. "I'm sorry. She doesn't love you, you know." That hurts me more then any torture when Joanna says it. Then I realize she's looking at Gale. "I'll take you to our room. She has very few things of her own, none of them remind her of you. They all remind her of Peeta, even the picture of you." That must have hurt him bad. Joanna said it didn't, just made him more jealous. I knew jealousy hurt and thought, how do we end jealousy, a though which still haunts me.

I wanted to hold onto that statement for ever.

"You're not a bad kid, Gale. But, if you think you're going to somehow hold onto your childhood, you're mistaken. It's gone. Probably wasn't worth having in the first place. But you have to let go of the anger and sure as hell don't direct it at Peeta. He'd die for you too, well unless you hurt her. Then we both know you're life wouldn't be worth much. Ask Snow how that goes. No one's life's worth much that hurts that girl." She said that last line looking straight at the glass.

"I do hope you get better Peeta. You don't deserve this. I suppose of all the people that hate Snow you have the greatest reason."

"It's ok Gale. Just keep it up, keep protecting her. I have all I can do to protect her from myself."

"I will. I promise you that. Thank you."

"For what?"

"For the revolution."

With everything in place, Joanna representing me in the Capitol, after I forgave her for her vote for a final Hunger Games, we landed in District 2 on the way back to Katniss. I marched down a hallway to an office Gale used, working for the government rebuilding the district. Soldiers on both sides of me. The echo of their boots clapping the floor filling the building.

I entered alone and walked straight up to him, held out the palms of both hands and slammed them into his chest. Gale lifted off his feet, fell backwards and landed on the floor as I yelled, "why are you here!" At that very moment, I knew Katniss would be angry at me.

Gale went to get up, take a run at me I'm sure, but good sense must have taken over. I believed I could have taken him, and so much as a bruise on my face would have ended his work anywhere in Panem. Instead he said, "where the hell do you want me!" I realized he knew that I was capable of having people moved as I choose.

"In 12. You're supposed to be with Katniss."

"She doesn't want me."

"I don't care what she wants. You left her alone!"  
"What was I suppose to do, hide in the shadows just in case she needed me?"

"Yes!"

"Whatever. Anyway, you don't have to worry. I'm not there. I'm no competition."

"I'm not worried about completion with you or with anyone. I'm worried about her being there alone. You're damn lucky Haymitch got Greasy to her."  
"Then why are you here?"

"Believe me, only because you are on my way home." My voice trailed off, from loud and angry to quite and controlled, "and I'm not sure what I might find and I needed someone to hit." Again, I knew those words would not fit Katniss' imagine of me.

"Well now that's done."

"And I'm scared." He said nothing. Of all that had happened, how Paylor took over, Robert Strange as his chief council, my demands, he must have been scared himself. "Prim approved. She told me."

"Of course she did."

"I hurt her. I told her . . ."  
"She was a piece of work. I know I was there. Thought it ten seconds before you said it. I didn't mean it anymore then you did. We've all kissed other people."

"I hurt her." He said nothing. "She hurt me. She said . . ."  
"I was there Peeta. Saying I'm not a bad kisser wasn't a rave review on my part. She was angry at you. Yes you hurt her. I could make her jealous. I couldn't hurt her. Not like you did."

"How? How did I ever hurt her?"  
"You said you must have loved her, not that you did love her, most have."

"She never said she loved me."  
"If you're looking for words from her, you'll be waiting a long time. But, you're patient. Words are your thing anyway."

"I don't know what to believe. Everything's a lie. I can't trust a word Haymitch says; he lies to us both. Everyone in the Capitol, except for Joanna. I don't know what is right. What is wrong. What is real. What side is good; what side is bad. It's all so much effort to think." I thought, he had agreed to sacrifice Katniss to flush out Snow as a last resort. I thought, but didn't say, would he have killed her at the end of our first Hunger Games if he had been me. I no longer trust him.

"You're good at thinking; you'll be able to handle it. Just with this thing with Katniss, stop thinking. Just do it. Go with what you have to do. She will too. She needs you. She loves you. She's in love with you."

A tear rolled down my cheek, "she said that?"  
"She's not going to say those words but everyone knows it. Hell the whole country's built on it."

"Do you know it?"  
"I'm here aren't I?"  
"I can't move."

"Yes you can. I saw you. You destroyed one government; Poppa Snow is dead, you killed him. You made another bow to you, the savior. You are better then you know. . ." We stood there looking at each other. I think I was searching for something. I think he was measuring me up. "Go Peeta. Don't leave her alone any longer. All you have left is to fight the fears, your's, her's. Go." I didn't say anything else, just walked down the hall, a walk that turned into a run. I heard him yell, "and the two of you, get some sleep! You look awful."

I returned to her, to just be there. In time we were friends, a friendship so dear to me I returned every evening to check on her. I'd run over from my house to her's when I'd hear her scream out in the middle of the night. I eventually stayed the night. We eventually kissed. We eventually had children. It all kind of crept up on us, and one day we realized how long we'd needed each other, long before we even knew each other. She said, "I only wished it had been sooner."

I had just moved my things over the eveing before, hadn't even unpacked. I got up early, unable to sleep, not so much a nightmare as an anxious feeling. The sun was coming up and shinning through the windows. When I was just about done unpacking my clothes, I handed Katniss a sweeter. She took it, her eyes tearing up. "I bought in the Capitol, I hope you don't mind, but I was sick of those hospital gowns."

"Why would I mind?"

"I'm giving it to you."

"It's beautiful Peeta, but why?"

"This shade of orange is my favorite color, and if you don't mind, I'd love to see you in it quite a bit."

She put it on really quick and of course looked beautiful.

Then I opened a draw to show her it was filled with green, a forest green, with pearl white pok-a-dotted boxer shorts. I'm sure a smirk crossed my face.

A huge grin showed up on hers.

"I'm kind of leaning town this green now."

"Well this orange is my favorite color now."

"You mean I bought all of these for nothing?"

"I'm sure you'll use them," she tried to stutter out and couldn't help but fall into laughter, kind of the giggles, and I couldn't help but take her in my arms and hug her. I held her close and never wanted to let her go and I think we stood like that for the rest of the day, at least that is how I choose to remember it, the rest of the day.

Katniss and I spent years she would rather not share with anyone, except maybe out children. I am the one that likes to talk. I like to tell all the wonderful details, all the silly little romantic moments, every smile and every joy and every glorious love affair. Not that there were not moments when we cried or when we fought. I just don't seem to remember them as well.

I vaguely remember a complement I made to Katniss, something about her being beautiful or sweet or something she didn't believe. In my world I spent years telling her all the wonderful things about her self that it was unfathomable to me that she had not been flooded by such trivial appreciation for countless years. Well, she didn't like it. Something about my compliments seemed insincere even though in her mind she knew I was completely honest with her. We both wished that she could see the girl I saw. A brief quarrel, a harsh feeling, years of holding each other, comforting each other, making the world leave her alone.

It had been about a year since the first time I had been in Gale's office when I showed up again with a pile of books. I dropped them on his desk. If I remember correctly, they were the Bible, the Koran, the complete works of Kant, Smith and Locke. All books Darius had given me which I had kept hidden in my study in 12. I no longer kept them out of sight and in fact started to fill a list of the books he had recommended. A library of thousands would eventually pile up, ancient texts overfilling the selves which the Capitol had decorated with mass produced bric-à-brac.

I said to Gale, "I'm going to need your help with this."

"With what?"  
"You saw my speech calling for a constitutional convention?"

"Of course."

"We're going to play a role in that convention."  
"You and me together? Why?"  
"Katniss told me about the Nut and I also disagree with your decision."

"If I was wrong then why do you want to work with me?"

"I didn't say you were wrong. I don't know if you were wrong. I don't know if I was right." Pointing to the third book, "Kant argues against some of my actions. You remember my first time on stage I allowed the people of Panem to believe I was in love with Katniss, I used a crush to deceive everyone?"  
"You weren't?"

"I didn't say that. I didn't exactly lie. The second interview I outright lied. I said we were married and she was pregnant. While the first statement manipulated a spark to a rebellion, the second based it on an out right lie."

"For the greater good."

"So, was your decision regarding the Nut for the greater good?"

"I don't know."

"I don't either. So we have to figure that out. You seem to fall one way and I another. So that is why I need you to be part of a team with me at this convention. Representatives meet for the first time a year from the date of the speech and then who knows how long it will take to draft a constitution, five, ten, fifteen years."

He laughed and shook my hand, "from fighting each for Katniss's love to partners building a new Panem."

"We never fought over her love."

"No need to be so cocky about it after the fact."

"I'm not. She loves us both, like her father, her mother, Prim, Finnick and Haymitch."

"Oh I see, well her kisses them."

A smirk on my face, "you were never competition in that."

"Ok, ok."

"I'm just saying." I left it at that. I knew she thought of his reaction when we kissed, never of her own feelings for him. I knew when we really kissed she felt a desire deep in side of her. I knew their kisses we without such primal and emotional feelings. I have no idea how I knew this. I just did. Her books years later only confirmed my feelings. "It was her attention; we weren't sure who would get her attention."

"I'm sure she was relieved when I left."

"Actually yes."

"Well that was blunt of you."

"Just as relieved as you were to leave."

"So while you rebuild Panem what will she be doing?"

"While we play with theory she gets her hands dirty; she's physically rebuilding twelve. Me I've never known what to do with my hands and facing the clean up, well when it's been difficult to face reality, I've always made up a fantasy."

"I'm going to engage in the fantasy world of Peeta Mellark?"

"Might as well join the rest of Panem."

We gathered in the office, myself, Gale, Joanna, if anyone was going to carry out our decisions it would be her, Annie, though she rarely spoke I could count on her mercy, and Beetee, without whom we'd be lucky to make seven years as it was his knowledge of natural law which set up our discussions. Annie brought her son Finnick, Finnie, with her and we watched him grow, learning more about our discussions then even we understood. By ten he added much to the discourse. By fifteen he could site texts and argue in place of Aristotle, Christ, Kant, Nietzsche, and Sandel.

At fourteen the unbelievably handsome Finnick Odair bought the first of many girls with him to visit on his way to the Hawthorne Arboretum. His good looks and charm were only enhanced by the spectacle of his famous friends. He told her he just had to check in with this mother. The girl sat to the side watching, starry eyed. He listened to our discussion before he spoke, by this point he had nearly replaced Annie in our group, "so Uncle Peeta we are back to motives."

Gale said, "he's got you again."

"Go ahead," I said.

"Well you're motives for the people of Panem . . ."  
"We can skip that."

"I'm just saying, in your first time in the arena you were motivated by self interest, to preserve your dream. Which I applaud, you were smart enough to know the difference between self-interest and selfish greed. By your second your game you were motivated to start a rebellion so Katniss would be safe."

"My motives should have been greater I suppose, but they were not and I can't say I would change them."

"I'm not sure. Few of us will find such a love; maybe none in this room."

Annie said, her voice soft and soothing, seldom did she speak and when she did no sound competed with her, "few people in Panem in those days had books. Peeta's understanding of duty was limited to the one person who had been good to him. He did not act out of personal gain, not for anger or vengeance. He acted by his own moral laws, laws he had to create himself, out of nothing."

Joanna said, "we have accepted the statement 'human dignity shall be inviolable; to respect and protect it shall be the duty of all state authority.' That part is finished so can we move on?"

Looking at his girl he grinned, "we are in the process of defining duty and we are concerned that duty and authority are in opposition."

She just looked back at him with a little smile indicating her confusion.

Gale stated, "if we choose freely we will come to the same categorical imperatives."

Finnie said, "well gentlemen, I am off, a slave to my desires as of yet. I won't be here for our dinner tonight. I've got a picnic planned."

Joanna stepped up to the girl, "so have you been impressed by this group of theologians? May self and Gale the lone administrators, the rest of them are all talk," she winked at me.  
I said to her, "I'm sure you'll find little Finnick will entertain you, he's sort of a bit of both, fanciful theory and precise execution."

Beetee said, "you may yet indeed act according to pleasure and pain."

Gale said to Finnie while looking at the girl, "is she an end to your means?"

I held her hand, "my dear, act according to the laws you give yourself, that is autonomy."

He took her from us, "now that you have all had your say. I am off."  
Gale yelled at him down the hall, "think of the ends. People are not means!"

To which I added, "it will only diminish your own humanity Finnie!"

We got back to work with Gale's statement, "so justice is not a matter of giving people what they desire."

We often played this game with each other where we removed out biases. We spoke without gender, age or position bias, each held accountable by the other four. I never believed in it much really, though it was fun.

Late one evening Gale and I sat looking at the sun set out back of his house, I realized that I had to go. Katniss would be lying down to sleep already and I needed to be there with her. "We have laws to consider regarding marriage before you two can marry. You keep putting off this discussion."

"We'll get to it."

"When?"  
"I don't know. There are more pressing matters then hashing through the bonding rituals of millenniums past."

He held out his hand. I looked at it. I knew what he wanted to see. I hesitated. I pulled from my pocket a pearl ring.

"We start talking tomorrow. You will have to figure this out sooner then later. I can tell you she won't like a ring."

"Joanna wants a ceremony and she really won't like that."

"The people of Panem want to see for themselves."

"She won't like it."

"No, she won't . . . Peeta, ask . . . well regardless we have to move on this, I plan on marrying myself but you have to go first."

Another moment, probably same back porch, when we finally got through those weddings, when our children were young, I said to him, "are you sure we did what was right?"  
"I'm not certain. It might be that we fought the first war on this land mass not motivated by money."

A dashing Finnick fresh from his studies abroad said, "nothing is objective." Sitting with use at home he held our daughter and cooed with her. "She will be a lucky little girl. I liked the schools in Europa. You should send her when she is my age. She will appreciate it. Oh all of Panem is so blessed with this little girl." He looked at his mother, "how did you ever feel safe enough to have a baby back then."

Annie smiled at me and said, "your father said Peeta would take care of us. None of them thought they'd come back and none of them thought with the highjacking that Peeta would be with them. But, your dad knew he'd fight the highjacking and win."

Katniss said, "why would he think Peeta could protect you and a baby back then?"

While I was struggling with my own mind and I knew what it must have seemed like, still for Katniss after all these years to underestimate me hurt until Annie replied, "did you think you were the only one for which he sacrificed?"

"You don't have to tell the story," I said knowing what was to come.

"Peeta made a deal with Snow. If snow would not torture me he promised him a painless death when the time came." A silence spread in the room, even Finnie, even Eve. "Snow promised his abuse would be twice as bad and he agreed. Finnick knew he wouldn't be here for me and he wanted me to have our child in his place." She leaned over and kissed Finnie on the cheek.

Another evening Finnie and I watched the sun set and he asked, "so shall we talk about freedom?" He had a grin and he loved to talk.

"You're a smart boy Finnie," your father would be proud."

"I wish I had known him. He sacrificed everything for my mother."

"To keep her safe. They hurt him bad. I'd like to think he is resting, waiting to see her again, waiting to meet you."

"I'm glad he knew you'd be here for mom and me, and Uncle Haymitch too."

"It's a good life."

"It is isn't it?"

"Well you and all those girls. At some point I'm kind of hoping to find you someone special."

"Well I am free aren't I? Free to speak, to worship, from fear and from want. Thanks to you and your friends."

"Oh Finnie. Aren't there any young girls that mean more to you?"

"Do you remember, I was less then ten and we talked about junk food, and that you said I should be free to eat all the junk food I wanted, but if I was truly free, even my own urges would not enslave me? I would have freedom to make up my own mind for my benefit, my self-interest and so I wouldn't eat junk food until my body ached. I would eat very little if any junk food at all."

"But all these girls are junk food Finnie. They leave you alone at the end of the day and life is nothing if not about the bonds we share between each other."

"I have my mother, you, Gale, Uncle Haymitch."

"Oh Finnie. There is no one?"

"If I tell you, you may not approve."

"You are free from my judgments."

"What was it you said about self interest . . . selfishness is a form of slavery, an addiction to hording which keeps people away from us? Our own self-interest cannot be selfish because it is in our self-interest to be a part of a community. We must be part of a community for our own benefit and selfishness keeps us from such."

"I will find you the right girl."

"Like you did for Uncle Gale?"

"What do you mean?"

"You made sure the two of them bumped into each other constantly."

"Well a little nudging never hurt anyone."

It seemed to me like I had Finnick with me. For the little time I got to know him, I felt as if I knew him very well and this Finnick was very much like his father.

"Uncle Peeta, can you tell me your favorite memory?"

"That's easy. The second time in the arena, I gave your Aunt Katniss a pendant. I knew I wasn't going to make it out and I wanted her to live on, happy and safe. We kissed. I had felt something similar to it before, and pretty near since though not exactly, an intense feeling that said I was not alone, for the first time since I grew up and realized I was alone I felt not alone."

Katniss came out "Peeta Mellark. You were listening in on my telling that kiss story to Finnie earlier."

"No I wasn't. I wasn't home all day."

Her lower lip stiffened in that way she does and then it began to shake. She tried to say that I had the house bugged or something, tears swelling up in her eyes. I grabbed her and kissed her. The strength of her lips gave way, the taste of her tongue, her body in my hands; we kissed every bit as intense as before. There had been kisses so close to this like the roar of thunder building up until the crescendo of its snap, jarring our bodies, rumbling down and out the tips of our fingers and toes. In the brief part of our lips, she tried to speak, "Peeta," but I wouldn't let her. Kissing her again. I held her tight to me and felt her heart beat. Again after sometime I gave her the slightest of space and she immediately pulled me into her, unwilling to let me go. It was then I gained a new happiest moment in my life.

When we finally parted, realizing Finnie was waiting, I looked at him with a cheesy grin, "impressive. You think you can find me a girl like that?"

I owed him more then he knew.

The three of us sat down. Katniss explained his mother called from over at Haymitch's waiting for him to come home. He went into call and say he was spending the night. He came out, sat down and asked, "Aunt Katniss, did you ever feel like you replaced your dad?"

"I'm not sure what you mean."

"I sometimes feel guilty that Uncle Peeta is like my dad. I never knew him, yet I feel guilty. You knew your dad, at least for awhile. Did you feel guilty?"

"Yes at times."

"Do you think about whether your dad would have liked Uncle Peeta?"  
"Yes I have. I think he would have, though I think he wouldn't have understood him. You're father did. Peeta's isn't my surrogate father though."

"I gathered that from the kiss," he laugh, at first a chuckle and then a full fledged roar, grabbing his belly like only a young adult can do over innuendo.

We both couldn't help and grin along with him.

Finally Katniss asked, "there is an old American custom where the parents of a child pick godparents, like a second parent to help with the raising of the child. Peeta and I would be honored if you would consider being Eve's godfather."

"Of course. Wow. Yes, that would be pretty great."

Every time Finnie came to 12 he visited Vick's 'Club,' a dance place in a huge dark room with a flashing light beating to the loud 'techno' music of centuries past and that coming about from new artists just finding music again. I went with him once just to check it out, kids his age jumping around letting out an over abundance of energy. The 'Club' was the scene for music and while Vick, master of entertainment success, had one in every district and his Capitol 'Club' handed out awards for original music every year, the 12 'Club' had an edgy feel, where music seemed to originate.

He lavished on Eve all the little bouquets he should have given to his lover. It seemed every time I turned around she had a ring of flowers on top of her head. I am still not sure if he endeavored to protect his privacy with her or if what I imagined and tried to set up did not actually exist. Of course I knew her name, though he never spoke it. Like Katniss I guess he shared what he felt compelled, though with me he'd say "she is so wonderful I just want to keep kissing her" and he'd smile and tell me everything. Maybe the glare of being Finnick Odair would bleach their otherwise utopian dream. I'm just glad to know them.

Still I probed him for details of all aspects of his life, and he came forth with a great deal, saying I knew him better then anyone else. He asked me too, and we became the best of friends, just as the children came to do. We are all a nosy bunch of people. Katniss wrote her books as if to say 'this is what I have to say on the subject, now I'm done talking about it.' I doubt I will ever be done talking about it. Katniss and I are different in many ways, and a like in many others. Many friends have come and gone, many stayed, Finnie, Gale, yet none make me stop and smile as much as her. I will state here with out confusion, I love Katniss Mellark completely.

_I recalled it wasn't a particularly special evening, not to Katniss, nor to me. It was late July, and the factory they were building for the medicines was nearly completed. Katniss could see the large building even from the woods when she went hunting during the day. I didn't go with her when she hunted; I never understood the woods, the rhythm of the leaves and heartbeat of the animals like she did, and besides, I was too loud for her to catch anything anyway._

_Her kill for the day was waiting on the dining room table of her house for Greasy Sae to come and collect it – Katniss had taken down her first deer in years – and the house was quiet. Katniss was pouring over the book she, Haymitch and I had assembled, honoring those who died by the window, overlooking the five bushes that I had planted in the days after returning to the District. _

_After returning home, I was perched on the edge of the sofa having positioned to the side of her, an easel stood in front of me. My hands were moving quickly over the paper I had pinned carefully onto it, and I watched her face intently. Katniss didn't notice. She was too busy with the book._

_As the last lights left the dark sky, Katniss looked out of the window. A faint glow was coming from Haymitch's house and she sighed. "I'd better go over there and check on him."_

_"Want me to come with you?" I asked. I knew that even now, Katniss didn't like being far from me._

_"I'm sure I'll be fine a few minutes away from you," she replied with the hint of a smile, and left the room. I heard the front door open and felt a warm breeze drift into the room. She'd left the door open – evidently this would not be a long trip. _

_I leaned back into the sofa and drank in his evening's work. On the paper pinned in front of me was an image of Katniss. I had drawn her carefully with lead, capturing how peaceful she looked as she sorted through her book. Memories – or rather, implanted thoughts – left from my time with the Capitol during the war still threatened to take me off-guard, but now I knew better than to believe them. I still saw things, things that Katniss supposedly had done, but the shining edges of the thoughts meant I could control them, and with one quick look at the real Katniss, the one who was always near me with her long, brown braid, I knew he could resist them. And I loved her. Of that much, I was sure. Despite all the Capitol's tampering, I never really lost the ability, the willingness to love her, and now that we're were back home, with everything behind me, I could embrace it once more. _

_And, slowly but surely, I began to wonder if she loved me at last. The evidence suggested that she might; not a night had gone by that I had not slept in her bed, cradled her as she cried or screamed, and the only time during the day that we were not together was when she hunted. That was mere hours that we spent apart. How could she spent so long with me and not love me? She was one to tire quickly of the company of someone that she did not like, and I knew that she would never spent this much time with Gale, even before the war._

_When she returned in less than five minutes, I let out a contented sigh. She stood in the doorway, taking off her boots, as she always had when her mother ran the house, and straightened up. A lock of hair rested by her cheek, and she brushed it away impatiently._

_"Don't," I said softly through the doorway._

_"Don't what?" she replied curiously, walking towards him. She shut the door behind her, leaving Buttercup glaring at her as she passed his empty food bowl. Serves you right, she thought, eating all your dinner at once._

_"Don't brush your hair away. I like it like that." I held out my hand towards her and she took it. She often commented on how my hands were 'warm and strong.' Recalling such I smiled. My thumb slowly caressed the side of her finger as I guided her towards me. She lowered herself onto the sofa beside my legs and rested her head on my shoulder, seeing for the first time my drawing._

_I watched our fingers begin to untwine and stroke each other's hand._

_ "Peeta, is that me?" she asked, surprised. She had seen my other drawings and sketches of Haymitch hollering for drink, Greasy Sae over the kitchen sink, her granddaughter playing with Buttercup, but not one of her in quite sometime. She leant forwards and touched the paper, tracing the exact angle of her plait, the precise length of her fingers and soft curve of her me him any notice._

_"Well, it's not going to be Haymitch now, is it?" I chuckled quietly. "Do you like it?"_

_"I'm…" she fumbled for words. She had never been good with words; that was always my job. "You made me look beautiful."_

_"I didn't do anything of the sort. I just drew you as you are," I insisted. "And you are beautiful."_

_Katniss felt a blush in her cheeks, and tried to pull away slightly, but I held her steady. "Don't leave," I said softly. How could she? Of course she couldn't leave me now, and she slumped back into the sofa again, just hoping that I would stop showering her with compliments._

_"When will you see, Katniss, how beautiful you are?"_

_"I don't know. Maybe I need a special mirror or something," she mumbled. She took hold of my hand again, and opened it, facing his palm upwards. Her fingers began tracing light patterns across the soft skin, and I shuddered._

_"You're tickling me," I said after a moment, a smile opening on my face. She laughed briefly, quietly, and looked at me. Our faces were inches apart. She felt herself tense up. Neither of us had tried to push the other – neither of us knew if the other would let them anymore. My hand closed over hers, my blue eyes never leaving her grey ones and I pulled her slowly to me. Our lips met after months, maybe years, apart. Years later she recalled the kiss and told me that instantly she felt at home at last._

_I pulled her carefully onto my lap, her legs settling either side of me and pulled at the end of her braid. The tie came loose, and as her lips parted mine, my hands worked quickly to unravel her hair. My tongue met hers, and I felt that hunger again. In her recounting she had told me that she felt the hunger consumed her in the cave and again on the beach in the arena, a hunger deep inside of her once more taking her over, a warmth, a heat. _

_One of my hands wove into her hair, the other slowly rubbing one of her thighs as her own hands roamed my hair, my neck, down to my waist and pulling me even closer up to her. Through my shirt, Katniss could feel the ridges of scars left from battle on my back. The thought made her want me even more – she wanted my pain, my torture, to embrace it and heal me, remembrances which brought tears to my eyes, remembrances which meant almost as much as the moment itself. _

_Without her even realizing, her hips began to move against mine, and she felt something press into her. This drove her forwards carelessly. I remained as guarded as I could as she worked quickly to unbutton my shirt, her lips, her warm tongue moving seamlessly with my own. She tasted like the woods._

_She pulled away from me enough to look me over as I rested underneath her, my shirt open. She had seen me without a shirt before, but never like this. My skin was lightly tinted by the sun, my muscles just visible. She bit her bottom lip, desire mounting inside of her. I felt her, I felt her eyes and I felt appreciated. _

_My eyes regarded her carefully, but when I saw no sign of reluctance or fear, I pulled her back gently to me. Holding her tightly to me, I turned over on the sofa until she was on her back and I hovered above her. She smiled, suddenly shy, and hesitated for a moment._

_"What is it?" I asked very quietly, not wanting to scare her, took loose her desire for me, but feeling my own need for her in the pit of my stomach._

_"It's just… I've never done this before," she said nervously, avoiding my gaze. "I don't want to disappoint you."_

_"Neither have I. But you could never disappoint me."_

_She looked up at me again, like searching my eyes for the warmth she had found before. Her hands came to me, and pushed the shirt from my shoulders, discarding it on the floor beside us. I dipped my head towards her and kissed her deeply, allowing my tongue to stroke her lips carefully, press against hers, and then pulled away again. With one hand holding me steady above her, the other came to her shirt, and I flicked the poppers open with ease. She lifted herself up slightly, and it soon joined mine on the floor. I looked at her bare torso, and let a single finger trace from her slender neck, down between her breasts and to her trousers. They were pushed down, and she made quick work of mine. We looked at each other curiously for a moment, before the desire that had pushed us this far overcame us once more. _

_My hand came in between her legs, and she left out a moan. She had never been touched like this, never even imagined what it would be like, until I touched her now. She didn't know how I knew, but all she knew was that she didn't want me to stop. My lips came down onto her jaw-line, kissing heavily along it and onto her neck, pausing here and there to suck her soft olive skin. My hand came away from her and she let out a cry of despair. I had stopped, and in her eyes I saw her ask 'why had I stopped? I needed to keep going.' Confirmed much later in her recalling and her moans begging me not to stop when we meet again and again. _

_"Katniss, I don't want to hurt you," I whispered, shifting his position slightly, my breathing heavy with desire. "Tell me if I hurt you."_

_She nodded, her brow furrowed as she waited desperately for me to enter her. I pushed myself into her as slowly as I could, and felt her jolt slightly._

_Trembling with the effort I was making to stop, My eyes met hers once more. They told me, after a moment, to keep going._

_Slowly, so as not to hurt her again, I moved inside of her, and she quickly caught on. My hand trailed up her body, rubbing and teasing her breasts, and she let moans escape her lips. Every thrust brought her closer, brought me closer, and she pulled my head down to meet her lips, locking me to her. Our lips, tongues and bodies moved together perfectly, passionately, as groans and whimpers came from us both. The tension was mounting inside of her, and she held me as close to her as she could, feeling the beads of sweat run off my back._

_I shifted myself slightly inside of her, and I buried further into her, sliding my palms up and down her legs, and moments later, I felt her release, her gasp of my name pushing me over the edge with her._

_We stayed lying together like that for hours, just listening to one and other breathing. My head rested on her shoulder and she began stroking my hair, as I stroked hers on so many restless nights when the nightmares threatened her sanity once again._

_"I love you, Katniss," I murmured quietly after a few hours. Only the moonlight lit us now, as it shone into the room, giving our intertwined bodies a ghostly look. She kissed my hair, and considered that for a moment. She had known it all along, everyone had. But it wasn't until that moment that she had truly accepted it, embraced it, even. At last, it made sense to her. And so, when the next question came, she knew how to answer it._

_"You love me. Real or not real?" I whispered, his fingers tracing her waist very lightly._

_"Real." The recounting of her words, saying it again, it still means so much to me to hear. _

_ And of course it was real. It had been real for a very long time now. She told me. It had just taken that moment for her to realize it, when. _

_ I looked at her and she said, "and you love me, real or not real." She bit her lower lip._

_ I had known it all along, "real."_

(the above italics contribution was written by Banum)

Eve came to me when she was about ten, I think. She said that she talked to her mom and Katniss told her about the important things I gave to her, but it was a secret. She asked me what I gave to "momma."

"Well Eveie, mine is not a secret at all. Thought I must say most people don't bother to pay attention. First is hope. Your mother gives me hope. When I was a little boy I had lots of dreams and only your mother gave me the hope that I could be the person I dreamed of being. Just her very presence gives me hope that she cares about my welfare as I care about her's."

"Momma said the same thing, hope."

"Did she? Well I'm glad. She also gives me protection. She keeps me safe from the world. I wouldn't want to mess with me if I knew I had to deal with her."  
"She said the same thing too. She said you are the strongest man she knows."  
"Well the older I get the weaker I feel, though I do think I'm smarter now then I use to be. She gives me beauty. When your mother sings I loose my breath. Other then you and your brother the most beautiful things your mother has ever created are her songs."

"She told me about your paintings."

"There is a great freedom I feel to be able to be my self, the me I want to be." I smiled. "Calm. She gives me peace. Yes there is a great deal of up-evil around here, we can have heated words and we can sulk and pout but in the end of the day just being with her makes me calm."

"I can't find that anywhere else," Katniss said walking out on the porch with me and Eve just as I were about to say the same thing.

"You guys have the same list," Eve pointed out.  
"I guess we do," Katniss answered.

I thought to myself there was a sense of justice in that, that we were equal partners, a sense of fair play among us. "A more perfect union," I said and kissed my girls.

I suppose I should recall our wedding and the births of our children. Like Katniss I too have my private moments. Thought our wedding was not private, our honeymoon was. I will say the birth of our children was private as well, and it was wonderful, the two of us, our friends waiting down the hall. My hand hurt afterwards, as did my heart seeing her in pain, and her promises that I would never touch her again, each time.

Joanna and Gale got their very public wedding, though I never told her that parts of it were Gale's idea. Like Joanna he knew how important it was to Panem. I built the gazebo in the gardens for the event, put up a tent for the reception and the cameras broadcast it all so that everyone in Panem could celebrate.

Being the summer time it was still light out when we arrived for our honeymoon, near nine in the evening. Katniss didn't come to realize where we were headed until we were right on top of it. I took her father's lake cottage and turned it into a honeymoon cottage, assuring her it could be turned back if she didn't like it. The structure had only been cleaned up and furnished, French antiques Joanna brought from Europa complete with canopied bed. I had to have a lean-to build for the plumbing of a bathroom and kitchen. The gardens were filled with countless flowers and bushes and trees and crush lime stone paths down to the soft crush coral beach.

She walked up to a swing hanging from an ancient tree branch and sat down. I began to push her hoping to hear how much she liked it. She didn't say anything, she just looked around and breathed deeply. I think I saw a smirk when she noticed the hawthorn bushes. The place was Gale's idea so I thought was only right.

Then I think she began to smile when she noticed the patch of three leaf clovers. Then I am certain when she saw the ferns as she looked up at me and said, "it is perfect Peeta."

"I was worried."

"Is that where you got the clovers for my bouquet? I recognized them, but knew they weren't in our garden."

"Yes it is."

"My father would like the ferns."

"I thought so."

"You seemed so unhappy today."

"Of course I was. I can't stand the cameras. I did it for you."

"I did it for you."

"And why would you think I'd want all of Panem at my wedding?"

"I didn't think you would, but the more they see you the more they love you and then the safer you are."

"Can I get any safer then living with Peter Mellark?"

"It takes a lot more then me to keep you safe."

"Like the hovercrafts above. I may not be able to see them but I can hear them."

"I can't have them go away. I could have them land and hide. They've all be in training for hunting."

"I've noticed. Couldn't be you training them."

"No couldn't be. I'm too loud."

"Yes you are. Everyone notices you, like the crest of an iceberg, can't help but notice you, well unless it's dark."

"What do you know about icebergs? I can't even get you to visit the shore."

I noticed then that at some point I had begun pushing her on the swing.

"All those books you have in the study and more show up everyday. I don't need to leave 12 to travel the world. Besides I have too much to do at home."

"I'm sorry I leave so much."  
"You are home every evening, and almost every dinner."

"I'll try and not miss any more dinners."

"I know you try. You really can't stand to be away from me can you?"

I kept pushing her on the swing facing the setting son, the sky on fire. I knew she knew me through and through, doubts, fears, my bravery, my will, all my warts and all my strength and she still loved me just as I loved her. I love the girl who wanted to stay home and tell me stories by the fire, and sing songs as we walked through our garden. I love the girl who helps out every friend and neighbor in 12. I love the girl who wants to just cuddle with me and kept the rest of the world at bay. I love her fears and her little jealousies. I love her stillness and silence. I love her humanity. I love that we are linked in a very special way.

"Can we stay her for ever Peeta?"

"If you want."

"You know we can't. Why do you tell me we can, if you know we can't?"

"Because I know you. You'll stay as long as you want. And you'll come back as often as you want. I don't think anyone tells you want to do. I'm just glad you let me along for the journey."

"I'm glad too. There was a time I would have lost this."

"Swinging on a swing."

"Yes Peeta swinging on a swing. I would have given it up. Thrown it all away. Not even knowing what I was doing."

"Well you didn't."

"No I didn't."

"So what do we do when the sun goes down?"

"Build a fire."

A smirk on her face, "you're good with heat Peeta Mellark."

"So are you Mrs. Mellark."

"Am I really?"

"Oh you have no idea do you. I love that cluelessness about you, innocent."

"There is no bad in the world when I am with you," grinning all the while.

"You really should stop playing with the strings to my heart."

"What ever do you mean?"

I grabbed her up off the swing and sung her around in my arms. I held her tight to my chest while putting her down on her feet. "Kiss me."

Looking up, "are they watching us?"

"Always."

She took my hand and lead me inside where she kissed me until she took all the strength from my body.

Our children wanted to know what happened to me the months between our return from the first Hunger Games and the victory tour. Their mother's books were required reading in school, everyone knew our story, saw their mother take care of Rue, risk her life for me, scream when I died. I realized that in terms of me, her books left large gaps in the story, things Katniss could not have known.

There were what seemed to be endless hours of video footage of most everything in our lives in those days. At age sixteen our son edited much of the footage, added our sound bites and music. Gone a few hundred years ago a group named Journey, or Gary Moore, or Teddy Thompson, anyway it was a song, Separate Ways, it fit this part of my life when I was without her when I remembered having her. Like the Sarah McLachlan song Fallen or I Will Remember You or World on Fire or Vox, I don't know, maybe all of them, when Katniss was left alone, songs say all that need to be said. Watching his work became a powerful moment in my life, when I saw his film, a moment which still haunts me as much as my father's words, "If you can't fix it, stand it." I still want to ask him, "what if you can't stand it either?" "Though I've tried" I just don't know and I have so few answers.

At present I have no answers and I'm supposed to have them all, like I'm supposed to live a quite life puttering in my garden waiting for her to return from hunting. She doesn't want to know what I know; she doesn't want to think about what I had to think about. I would give up another leg if only to remove the internal scares that all the technology in the world can not fix. She looks and me and tells me no, that she wants them, all of them, every memory, good and bad. Yet "there doesn't seem to be a way to be redeemed," for me, she see's me and our world just as she wants to. I have to smile because I know I gave that to her, because that' what I always did when I was the little boy, that's what I still do when I see myself pick up Mitch or see what I did to Cato or Brutus or Snow. Some how it doesn't really matter; all that really matters is that I love.

Those months, between our arrival home from the games and our Victory tour, I came into town all the time from the Victor's Village, taking long walks just saying "hi," nearly audible to anyone whose eyes meet mind. Greasy told me to sit and eat; I was looking thinner and thinner every day. She feed me and picked at my wounds until I started to cry. The whole Hob just stopped and looked at me. I was embarrassed and tried to control myself. She later said to me, "I swear not a person in that place who had a heart didn't feel it break. Don't you think we all felt the same things at some time in our life?"

From then on I showed up to talk, talk about Katniss. That was the wound, it hurt but I just keep putting my finger in it. It was all I had of her. A lot of girls sat around me. Madge and Delly especially. Greasy told them I was taken. I said I wasn't. She shoed them away anyway and I had to take to talking to them in town on my way to the Hob. No girl, life long friend or new acquaintances, no hug, or kiss or anything could take my mind off of her. I hadn't tried alcohol at that point.

Greasy tried to tell me what it was like to be abandoned, to not have anyone to trust. I knew. I told her I knew. I told her why I knew. She told me of the time her mom tried to force her to marry someone she didn't think she knew, what it was like to really love him, what it was like to loose him. I cried for her, not just knowing how she felt, but just because she hurt. I also felt I understood Katniss a bit better.

Looking back I realize now how many people I really did have that I didn't loose, not just in my heart, but also right there with me, face to face, day in and day out. To this day Greasy makes me smile. Joanna too. Her and Katniss talk on the phone constantly and when she's here from the Capitol they hunt. Delly has stayed my friend. Sweetest girl I know. Annie shows up now and again to visit with Haymitch and makes it over to our place. There are lots of people around 12, people I might not even have known where there when I was growing up, but they were there and are there now.

Greasy told me that Gale use to get these dirty looks when he came into the Hob after my sob story spread like wild fire in the wind. I smiled at the thought. He had asked what was what up, but since we were never there at the same time, I'm not sure he ever knew. It wasn't the Hob people were mad at him, they just felt for me. She told me she had a talk with Gale, though she didn't tell me what she said other then he agreed that he wouldn't take advantage of her confusion. She tried to assure me he was a good guy. I believed her. She tried to assure me Katniss was confused. I believed her.

I started to go to Greasy's house after the Hob closed up, like one, two in the morning and we would get into a card game, the Hob people and all their misery, every broken heart around Greasy's kitchen table. I wasn't very good at first, but learned quick, started to win and then started to loose, very much on purpose. We all shared our stories. Of course I talked about Katniss all time, saying I was sorry for obsessing and they all told me not to worry about it and went onto obsess over their stories. I talked about taking up drinking like Haymitch and Greasy told me, "I won't have you giving up on her."

Haymitch came over one night; he popped in now and again when he had a particularly hard night. Surprised to see me, "where's your sweetheart?" he asked.

"Haymitch, what the hell," Greasy snapped at him.

"Sorry Peeta. You're better off. It will kill you to be in love, especially being a victor. Lucky you don't have anyone to love at all boy." I did, I just didn't have anyone to love me in return. That's what hurt.

Greasy said, "if you're going to be like this you can just leave and sleep in the gutter where I found you. He doesn't mean it Peeta."

"Doesn't matter."

"If I could do anything for anyone," Haymitch said, "I'd rip her from your heart."

"I appreciate it Haymitch, but I want to remember."

There were tears in Haymitch's eyes. Good thing Katniss wasn't there that night. I think he might just have shaken her teeth loose. I didn't think he understood girls any more then I did.

"I'd prefer you just go about the business of making this world a better place for her," I told him.

Haymitch said to me, "I told you what will happen to her after the tour, she'd be better off dead. So would you, but I'm not going to let that happen."

"I know, just want to get it going. What's the plan?"

"Don't be in such a hurry." That was an ominous warning. "Anyway, tell me all about your sweetheart. I love to listen to you talk about her."

Haymitch sat down and again they all listened, until the sun came up. I mentioned my father, a sweet man who was rather distant. An abusive mother. Divided siblings. We were alone, every last one of us. We went over and over again and again our wounds. I slipped for a brief moment into hating Gale, if Gale wasn't there then maybe things would be different. It only lasted for a brief moment. I wanted Katniss to be happy. Haymitch said that she was only trying to get back her life before the games, and that was never going to happen and it wasn't much of a life anyway.

I said, "the games changed everything. Rue's death changed everything."

"When you came to me, on the train," that changed everything. So did you burning that bread." I guess there are a lot of moments like that.

They also taught me the lessons of our history, those not learned in our schools. I learned about a republican democracy that existed for over two hundred years and a world beyond Panem. I learned we'd once sent men to the moon. Darius was particularly helpful to me. He told me about the good and the bad or people who made life better and those who hurt people. He told me about religion and God. He told me about economics and politics. He took my mind off Katniss with dreams of how I could make this world a better place, yes for her, for her children, for a lot of people. He had books he wasn't supposed to have. We drew on paper plans of what the world should look like, and every time I smiled thinking how Katniss would never be hungry and her children would never play in the games. He told me, "democracy must be learned by each generation."

I wasn't the only one that talked to the kids about those days; I listened to Delly talk to our daughter, Eve, while walking in the gardens, and our son, Noah, played chess with Haymitch and talked often on our back porch or his.

I worked in the gardens, bent over weeding, many times overhearing conversations not meant for me.

Eve said, "tell me again," I couldn't help but listen. I wasn't listening like when I did with Katniss, listening to make sure she was safe, but listening because I too reveled in someone telling our story.

"You love hearing this story don't you?" Delly asked just as happy to tell it.

"What it must have been to watch. Tearing at your heart."

"It did. I had a little crush on your father. I cried and cried when he left. And of course your mother was my friend Madge's best friend, kind of her only friend. When we said good bye to him we couldn't stop from crying though we wanted to be strong, oh the three of us huddled together crying until they pulled us away. Madge and I watch the games together."

"But with Rue. What happened with Rue?"

"Rue told her that Mockingjay's can be very dangerous if you get too near their nests."

"And that's my mother, The Mockingjay."

"Yes sweetheart, she is The Mockingjay. And when they got too near those she loved they killed them all, she brought a nation to its knees. For that they would regret the day they crossed the Mockingjay."

Eve got a little quiet, her head hung down, softly she said, "in momma's book she was in love with Gale and when they tried to hurt him she stood up and fought."

"Your mother was never in love with Gale. She never said that."

"Kids at school say she was, some do."

"You read the books. How could anyone think that? She referred to him as a brother from the start. And, whose kisses did she long for? She was confused, protective; she fought to care for him, to care for everyone in her family. He was good for her, I think, in a way, in a place and in a time. I read the books too, and how she made the decision to be with Gale before the 75th games."

"Daddy must have been so sad."

"He was. He moped around not even knowing what was going on; just that he was no longer part of her life. He talked to me and Madge a lot."

"Most people of Panem love daddy."

"Not long after your brother was born your mother wrote those books. She told an honest story as best she could. Remember what she said to Rue, destroying things is much easier then making them."

"Yes."

"Falling in love was not easy. It wasn't for either of them. It was her story. She doesn't tell you how hard it was for your father, falling in love with her. Listening to someone sing might attract you to that person; it doesn't make you so in love you are willing to die for them."

"So when did daddy fall in love with momma?"

"Years. I don't know. Those things just happen and you don't even realize it."

"He talked to you about her all the time?"  
"Me and Madge. All the time."

"And momma, when did she fall in love?"

"I'd guess in the first games, probably when they first kissed. Then in the second games when they kissed again. No it probably started when he gave her that bread. No, it started when she sang that song in school and she looked at him looking at her."

"I cried when I saw those kisses at school . . ." Then I heard the conversation change to Delly's son, Valerius, Eve had a crush on him. Eve talked about being confused and how I keep pushing her to get to know him. I worry about the attention of the other boys, attention paid to the fame and wealth of our children. I knew Valerius wasn't swayed but such. I knew Valerius had cared for her since they were too young to know about such things. Kat use to tell me to stop, but I worried so much.

Delly told her about how I prodded her, "you have to understand, he wants you to be happy. He thinks a gentle nudge here and there is a good thing. Your mother never had anyone to nudge her."

"Those weren't nudges she got."  
"No those were stronger then a nudge, and by people with their own self interests. Your mother fought back instead of trying to figure it out, instead of opening herself up to the possibility, and that's why your father walked around town all those nights. I'm not saying you have to love Valerius. I'm just saying you might want to give him a chance."

"I would but I don't think he's much interested in me."

"He is. He just doesn't realize it yet. He talks about you all the time."

"Really?"

"Doesn't even realize it."

The children were teenagers when they came to realize what it meant to be the children of The Mockingjay and Peeta. We tried to shield them; it was impossible. All of Panem wanted to know about our children, Eve's first boyfriend, well more a date in high school, the cameras never left them alone, commenting on her dress, how beautiful she looked, how handsome in his suit. Someone took his picture with his shirt off at school in the pool and the next thing every girl in Panem had a poster of him on their wall. The photographer would have been able to retire. In time thirty media outlets flooded the houses of Panem with content. I was glad to see her get rid of that boy anyway.

Again I stood holding to the back of the chair. Again Kat stood in the kitchen, pale, staring off toward the dinning room where I stood alone trying to tell my gut to let it go. I heard her say, "tell me again Greasy."

"Peeta is holding the chair again?"

"Yes." A tear rolled down her cheek, "when will it ever stop?"

"It never does. I still hear your nightmares now and again. It was just this morning you pushed his hand off of you. I still feel my own pangs. You never get over such things; you coupe, with the people you need in your life, you coupe."

"Tell me Greasy."

Again she told a story of how she knew my love for her was real, when I sat at her counter.

I knew Katniss was trying to hold on. I knew how much I hurt her. I thought I should leave so she would stop hurting. I trembled knowing I had no ability to leave her. I heard her say, her voice in great pain, "I love him Greasy."

I stood in the doorway, "real or not real?"

"Real," Katniss remarked, looking in my eyes for the sign and when she saw it, she ran into my arms. I lost my balance and we fell to the floor. On top of me, she held on tight.

Greasy stood over us, "you know you're going to hurt his back again."

"Well worth it," I said

Katniss helped me up, "you know that is one of the good things about having had to pretend to be in love, all the playfulness."

"Yes she wouldn't have done it otherwise," Greasy said, "way to controlled for that."

Katniss smirked.

Greasy would finish the story, the story I told the kids, the story she told Kat every time she needed to be reminded. "Peeta got drunk that night and took a long walk. He said to a honeysuckle bush in the meadow, 'No one needs me,' and he began to cry. He went into this jag, 'She said she needed me. I don't want to forget, but she does, and I want her to, so she can be happy, but she can never go back to the way it was. They'll never let her. Please God let her be safe. Please God.' I put my hand on his shoulder, he jumped a mile and I held him."

I was glad that at these times she had Greasy. I had Greasy too, many nights sitting up in the kitchen talking, unable to go to sleep. She'd even call a card game together. There was also Delly I talked to all the time and of course my work kept me busy, rebuilding our world. I knew Kat missed Gale, he was the part of 12 when we grew up that struck her as radically different. I know she missed Madge, though she told me I filled that void, 'someone to care, to count on, to share with, without the need to say anything.' I knew Prim left a hole in her heart, located right where our children resided. She was probably closer to her mother via their phone conversations then during much of her childhood. I couldn't get past that Gale made a difference.

I know she took the kids hunting and fishing and that her and I talked. I know she could be herself with me, something I bluntly asked after reading her books. "And with me? Can you be yourself with me?"

To which she replied, "of course. I am the me I like with you, even better then the real thing."

"Real or not real."

"Don't be jealous."

I just looked at her knowing she would not lie to me.

"Real."

That was one thing I knew about Kat for certain. She could not lie to me. She might not know the answer in the musings of her mind, but she could not lie to me. When memories got to be too much, she might go off and hunt for hours, she might have a hard time talking about them, she certainly cried in the crook of my neck, but she would never lie to me. She saw what she wanted to see, just like I did, but we could not lie to each other. With each other we saw all the good, all the bad, all the ugly and it did matter as long as we had each other we had hope that the good would out way the bad and the ugly would grow beautiful.

So, when I asked her, "its Gale you miss the most? Real of not Real?"

"Real."

I was not supposed to be jealous I know. I was Peeta, the legendary savior of my people, the Mockingjay's lover, the Pearl stone and unconditional love on which all Panem was built. Secure in the fact that Katniss loved me in my mind and in my heart, I knew she was right where she wanted to be. Still, I wished she could go hunting with him; that for brief moments she could have that part of her childhood back. I wished I could rip him from her heart to a point she would not even remember him. Though honestly, he was a good part of who my Katniss is. I still struggled, not knowing what to do. Maybe if she had Cinna?

So, when the kids where little, I invited Helvius Cinna, Cinna's cousin to visit. Helvius dressed me when I was presented to Panem to stop the rebellion. He said to me, "she loves you. What you say will get to her, will crush her or bring her to fight." I figured Cinna must have talked to him about us. I figured that maybe he could bring back some part of Cinna to Katniss so she wouldn't forget. At many time she wanted to forget, to return to the way things were, a little girl hunting in the woods just to survive, or even a little girl protected by a father who really could not protect her.

Cinna starts to design clothes with her and taught her to sketch her ideas and to sew. They would spend hours together ever day creating the fashions all of Panem would talk about when the television cameras came to visit, seeking to take glimpses into our world.

She looked so beautiful, whether a solider inspecting the guard or a queen welcoming visitors to Panem or a soft child, before the war had done things to her, walking in our gardens. She usually had a somber look on her face when the camera recorded each move. Like me, all of Panem waited tentatively for that wonderful smile. The next day every woman and every girl would flood our stores looking for her clothes. Surprising to me, I had a similar effect on the males of Panem.

Cinna said, "I suppose there could be something worse then wanting to be like Peeta and the Mockingjay. I still see you as the little boy, the kid I showed the roof" and said I could take my girl there to be alone with a charming smile.

"I owe you a great deal for that one."

"You owe no one. It is you that holds all the notes. Now look at you, the prince has his princess."

"I won't be . . . not like the people who seek power . . . luxury . . . fame . . . we've had our last war against them."

"Of course, which is thanks to you, wealth not connected to land, but to the mind and the heart." Spreading out his materials to work on another outfit, "you see things, patterns, most cannot . . . most of us just talk. You see the abstract, the symbols in the language. You know that reality does not create language, language creates reality. You, the fittest of us all, who does not look for the fittest to survive, you know our survival depends on us all, on the diversity of man. You who held absolute power, you know that the concentration of power is an allusion, so you spread it out, balance it. You know what makes us human is our ability to think, and devine our ability to love. You think several steps ahead. You love far great, noting life isn't about ourselves; it's about others. Where man once needed to hunt, gather and fight, we now need to nurture." I could always count on Cinna to build me up, get a smile out of me, make me feel good about myself, challenge me when I had a doubt, hug me when I had a fear, and make me think clearly.

Cinna stayed with us, as much a chair for me to hold onto as Greasy. Kat and I came to rely on them and we became a family along with our two children and Haymitch next door. Delly and Rory would walk in from town, good friends, and their children, Greasy's granddaughter, Annie and Finnie. Buttercup brought home another cat. When he left us, Rosie began to cruel up in my lap. Katniss preferred our dog, she called him "dog" or "Warner," what ever struck her at the moment. She often took him hunting.

We had a dog when I was a child. My mother referred to him as "dog" and considered him our security. He would bark and bite. I remember how she threatened me to sick the dog on Katniss when she came looking for food. She had "to be taught a lesson . . . she can't mess with us." Burning the bread distracted her.

I use to wonder as a child why they wouldn't let me eat like the dog. Why did everything that came natural have to be stopped? I am sure that was an exaggeration, still I always felt controlled.

My father said to me, "we are humans and we don't act as animals." I told my father, I didn't get it. What good is it to be human when we're eating stale bread? He smiled at me and said, "Peeta, you have no choice but to be human. You are the smartest person I've ever meet." That was the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me and I passed it onto my children, just as honestly as he had to me.

They are very smart and sensitive too. They feel things stronger then most. Many times they'd read a book and mourn for days, weeks, months. Oh Noah's music, he'd play it so loud, over and over again, filling his head with words, with feelings, strong feelings that came to haunt him, feelings centuries old. They struggled with the fit of their clothes and the pattern of a discussion. They had no choice.

Yet I wanted more for them. I wanted them to go beyond the petty jealousies and fears that were also human. My son called this finding his true self, to see the world and see himself through someone else's eye, to find a spiritual awakening. "Man cannot live on bread alone," he would say.

He loved milk and honey with his bread. He loved all the wonderful things I learned to cook. He did not grow up on the empty calories offered by the Capitol nor their empty relationships, humans bumping into each other. He hungered for more.

My daughter, very much the same, yet with beautiful differences, looked deeper at how things were put together, what she called the rhythm of patterns of behavior and organisms. Her quest was to know the effects the mind had on the healing of the body.

They were a perfect matched set to me. I can not say enough about how blessed they have made my life and only wish I could have been a better father. While Katniss loves them every bit as much as I do, she longs to keep them to ourselves. I long to share them. Together we have pulled and pushed until we've kneaded the perfect loaves of bread.

I look at them and see her; I feel her. She often talks about how much I've given her, how much I see only the best in her, how scared I make her in the dark of night, how my very presence forces her to confront her fears and allows her to hide and rest. I sometimes don't think she realizes how much she has done for me, the girl I fell in love with in the cave, on the beach, in crevasses of the Capitol. As a boy she gave me the most beautiful sites and sounds to admire. As a young man she made me stand up to do the right thing. As my love interest she gave me the words to capture an audience, to fight evil, to be the best person I could be. As her love interest she gave me the will to fight my own mind. My best friend, my security, my alarm, my defense, the warmth which kept me live night after night, my unquestioning, unconditional, unwavering affection.

My darkest days were when I first came back from the Capitol to thirteen. The torture was not over, it had just begun. I found out my family had been sacrificed. I found out friends I loved were gone. I stopped eating until one day Greasy managed to get into see me. My face lit up and my eyes filled with tears. She brought me something to eat and I sat and ate with her. We didn't talk. I couldn't talk. The only thing I wanted to talk about was how much I missed Katniss and I wasn't strong enough to do it.

One time she brought Finnick with her. That was all I could stand. I told him about Annie and he listened patiently his eyes filling with tears as I told him about how much she loved him. She never said the words 'I love Finnick,' still I knew. She only held on for him. She cried because she'd never kissed him. I said I knew how for him kisses were sick. She cried because so many people had hurt him, touched him, and how disgusting they had made it for him. She cried because she wanted to hold Finnick. I told him I held her for him and held her hands to her ears to block out my voice, every voice. I replied that I didn't know what had happened to her. He told me she was here with him.

I hugged Finnick and began to ball. I told him, Greasy looking on, how glad I was for him and for her. Then I completely feel apart, I cried over Katniss, telling him they killed her. My head hurting, I don't remember it all but I think some people tried to come in but Greasy says she got rid of them. I was trying to tell them how the Capitol had her, how they tortured her. I remember there was this mutt of her and she was with the Rebels too. There were two of her and they promised me if I ever got out her mutt would kill her next, she'd eat her like they ate Cato. I told him how she was in the room next to me and how sometimes she would come to visit me and how she was with the Rebels and they were going to kill them all. I didn't make much sense.

So that's what he told me, that I didn't make any sense. There weren't two Katniss's. I was confused and he begged me to think. I remember my face lighting up over the idea she was a live, what ever he was saying, then terror that the mutt would kill her as they promised. I begged him to help me get her from the Rebels so she would be safe. He tried to tell me the Rebels were the good guys. I told him I knew, Haymitch told me months ago. He promised to take care of her. Finnick told me Haymitch had kept his word. I ranted about killing the mutt until he convinced me something was terribly wrong.

I went silent. Greasy held my hand. She knew what would come next. "She doesn't love me, but at least she's safe."

"What?"

"I can't Finnick, but help Haymitch. Please get her home, and when she's home you have to make sure she's safe, Gale will help, and happy too."

"You'll be fine," he insisted, "you're the strongest man I've ever known."

"No I'm not. I'm weak and scared."

"You'll fight this. You'll get her back."

"I never had her."

"Of course you did. She is a mess with out you. Now that your back she's even worse. She's left to go help the fight with the rebels . . ."

I tried to get up, to get out of the room, to go stop her. I begged them, she couldn't be there.

Once I calmed down Finnick said, "she loves you so, she might not even know, but you are the only one she needs."

I cried, "she has never needed me. I need her. I'm not strong Finnick, not without her. I never have been."

"The boy who stood up to his mother to get her bread?"  
"For her."

"Your wrestling trophies?"

"Showing off for her."

"The speeches on stage, for her?"

"Yes."  
"Well then you have to get her back."

"I never had her."

"You are the only one who has ever had her. No one scares her but you, ok maybe Snow too."

"I promise you I will kill Snow."

"You'll have to stand in line behind a long list, starting with Katniss and Coin."

"Coin is here."

"You know Coin?"

"No. I don't know." What I knew of her I knew I had to quickly suppress and to find a way to protect Katniss from her.

I went over in my mind if it could be true, that she loved me like I loved her. I knew it didn't matter. I knew how I felt for her, the kiss in the cave, the kiss on the beach, again and again she went from fantasy to reality to nightmare to reality to horror. But, if what he said was true and there were not two, I had to figure out which was real and which imagined.

Finnick and Greasy visited me a lot in those early days before I could be released and so did Delly. I asked for Prim. They hesitated but Finnick snuck her in one time, a big secret. She hugged me and told me to get better for Katniss, "I need you to take care of her. I can't do it forever you know."

I liked her to visit then because I could be with Katniss with her, my Katniss, the one still stuck in my head. Many times I cried because I couldn't save her and many times she comforted me.

One time I asked the hardest question I'd ever asked, "why not Gale?"

"I don't understand," Prim replied.

"Why shouldn't Gale take care of her?"

"He can't."

"Yes he can."

"Peeta, no he can't. He's incapable of doing anything she can't already do for herself."

"Yes he can . . . What can I do?"

"The same thing she does for you. Something no one else does."

"What?"  
"Inspire."

"I inspire her? All I've ever done in my life is be alone. How can I inspire anyone? All I want to do is just go back into my solitary world, to create something beautiful and peaceful and perfect. How can I inspire anyone?"

"I don't know but you do."

"No it is Katniss who inspires, in me to be strong, to do the right thing, in all of Panem to refuse to play the Capitol's game anymore."

"So many people have done that, Haymitch did, still no one went to the streets."  
"What then changed this time?"  
"You standing there offering to die for her. People say we all realized we have the right to stand up and be counted, be heard, to hope at least those we love will be better off even if it costs us our lives."

"Because of what I did?"  
"For her. She said she would die with you because she couldn't kill you. You said you would die for her, so she could live. That's what people are doing, dying for each other."

"We have rights!"

"Yes we do."

"Darius told me, like speech, gathering, press, petition." A tear rolled down my check over the memory of his death. His last words, 'liberty, liberty, liberty,' tongue or no tongue those words were still clear to me.

"And she loves you. She'll die for you Peeta. She's been dying for you. Some times destroying is slow."

"Why?"  
"I don't have an answer but you are it. She'll be fine without me or mom or Gale, but not without you. Momma says few of us ever find a love like that."

"I don't understand."

"It's not something to understand. Please get better for her. She loves you so much."

"You want her to be with me?"

"Yes, just like in all your dreams."

"You know about my dreams?"  
"Your crush? Sure. You dream of holding her hand. You dream of her feeding you when you are sick and brushing the hair from your face. You dream of her sweet kisses and her rushing into your arms. You dream of her beautiful children. All of Panem knows this."

"Thank you Prim."

"Thank you Peeta."

In addition to Delly, Greasy, Finnick and Prim, Haymitch became a regular. We talked so much, and all those times between the first games and the tour when we talked, his voice filled my head until I wasn't sure what words were his and which were mine. I remember him telling me how much Katniss loved me, like he was trying to stuff the though into my head along with how we had to build a new nation otherwise she'd never be safe. The torture began to let up.

Delly took my hand, 'it's all right I won't leave you ever Peeta."

"I love you Delly."

"I know you do Peeta, and I love you."

I smiled thinking how wonderful it was to hear those words and how I meant them, a bit confused as I thought about Katniss. She kissed my cheek and left.

I often recall people I miss, my parents, my brothers, Prim, Finnick, Madge. I try and bring them up in conversation, try to bring them into our lives. Sometimes it hurts and some times I smile. Sometimes it's like they just left and sometimes it's like I'm waiting for them to return. In my mind they are still alive, in the world inside my head.

Katniss told our story, what the entire world knows about us, our great battle, gave her input and left it at that. Frankly, she wants her privacy, to be left alone with her choosen few. She only hinted at the fact that it does get better. That's what got me to sit down and write this, so Panem knows, yes it got boring in comparison, yes we have our bickering and yes there is pain still to be had but it gets so much better. Only thing that matters is our loving relationships with each other. When I was 16 and my world fell part I felt disconnected for everything. Today I fell connected to countless people, even people long gone from the here and now.

Finnick came to me to make a deal before we went into the area. "Here it is. We need each other. Haymitch says I can trust you."  
"Sure you can trust Haymitch?"

"With my life, and you know that. It's not my life I'm worried about. Its Annie Cresta's life. She means to me what Katniss means to you."

"The Star Cross Lovers thing?"

"I want to make you a promise. I promise to give up my life to protect Katniss if the time comes, and I want you to promise to do the same for Annie. If something happens to you, I'll take care of her, and you Annie."

"Annie's not going into the arena."

"No she's not. I know Katniss is. She's needed for the rebellion. You know that?"

"I know I'm not happy and I told Haymitch if I find out he could have prevented this I'd kill him."

"Have faith Peeta. Both of them will be better off. We'll do what it takes to make sure they are better off. She is the reason for my purpose, the pinnacle of my existence, and you understand that."

"I do."

"It is the man I choose to be. Just like it is the man you choose to be. Coincidently, for that, all of Panem will be better off."

"I just wish I knew more."

"He's not going tell us everything. He can't. He tells us what we need to know."

"I just have to break free from him."

"Please Peeta. Just know I will do everything to protect Katniss for you."

"She won't trust you."

"Of course not. Not even sure how much she trusts you or Haymitch."

"And why should she trust Haymitch?"

"You know why."

We never said the word promise, though we did promise. I never stopped looking out for her and then for Little Finnick. It has been my honor Finnick to care for them until you can be with them again.

It seemed we never stopped playing an important role in the events which rebuilt Panem, though almost all of our life was quiet. I had traveled the districts and back and forth to the Capitol so many times I couldn't recall one from another. Every night I returned to our home in 12 to sleep with Katniss. Every evening upon my return she kissed me and said, "I don't want to know." She never wanted to know about the rest of the nation, just about my work in 12. She said she trusted me to take care of the things and that she'd do what I needed, knowing I'd never ask too much. So, I managed the house of Panem while she went off to hunt.

We took short jaunts just out side of 12, never far enough to be close to any other district. While we received countless invitations to travel to other countries, she politely declined them all. She always said, "I have children to care for and there is no better place then 12." She knew everyone and everyone knew her. She spent lots of time in town and up at the school. She loved the walk from the Victors Village. She'd take the kids into the meadow, into the woods, to the lake, to the little lake house she made out of the stone cottage that belonged to her childhood with her dad.

When home I conducted my business in town. She made it clear that only the people of 12 were welcome out to our home. Any friend could drop in any time. Haymitch became Uncle Haymitch. Her father not having any family and her mother's family along with mine all died in the Great Rebellion so for us Uncle Haymitch represented everyone and when they were in 12 he'd bring Annie and Finnie. Katniss liked the house full, just full of childish stuff, nothing serious, no mention of the Mockingjay.

At one point President Auguste Comte walked onto our porch and held out his hand just as Kat walked into the house.

"You probably don't remember the first time we meet," the President said to me."  
"I do remember, your dad was at the table when I made my demands. more still then the rest."

"We have had some glorious years, haven't we? I have appreciated your support."

"When Paylor stepped down after two terms there was a collective sigh, as impressive when your father followed suite."

"There certainly was a peaceful transfer of power. I cannot thank you enough from me personally, for what you and your wife have done for our world."

"You're welcome. The times being what they were."

"We were very lucky to have you. And, District 12, it is doing just wonderful I see. I toured the town, the medical factory, and the mine before coming here."

"I know, it is coming along slow and steady."

"Of course. Thank you for seeing me. I know it's not something you do. Not here."

"No not here. This is different."

"I see the new technology in the mines has addressed some safety issues, still not a pleasant place to work."

"No it is not."

"I've done a lot or research on our history since the databases have become available, like your son. We use to have many companies like yours, corporations they called them, spread all over the nation."

"Mine is a cooperative. But then, that wasn't part of my history classes. My children try to tell me. I should thank you for that, for the schools. You personally have made sure that every child in Panem has an education. It has taken a while."

"I just make sure the money is available, just as Paylor did with healthcare. This means we will never be slaves again, in any form of the word."

"Still thank you."

"I must tell you, you have much to be proud of, it is overwhelming to me. Your guidance to turn over the land and the resources to the people, your encouragement of education and health care and productivity, your example of modesty. Many of our ancestor's corporations were predatory, not owned by the employees such as Mockingjay's. You helped us form the legislation regarding every business in Panem. The same is true with Gale's business. He's a Senator now you know. Of course you know."

"I've heard. He works hard to make amends for the deaths his weapons caused. He has much to be proud of too."

"Yes he does. He is fortunate to be able to do such. I have read about people who were not as fortunate in our history. Then there were some, some who changed everything for the better. We come from great people."

"We do."

"I am amazed and brought to tears at the sacrifices our ancestors made. They too had to pay for the weapons they made. Those weapons and the greed of the few won out to create Panem from a nation that meant well from the start."

"The founders taught us, you cannot have democracy without an educated population."

"You and The Mockingjay taught us you cannot have freedom without standing up to be counted."

"It is a bit more then just standing up."

"Loving one and other. They were a very diverse nation, over three hundred million, diverse like us, though so many more people."

"They didn't always appreciate that diversity, so I'm told."

"They never seemed to reconcile the idea that they all had value. That diversity was good not bad. That every human being deserved to be treated humanly if not for the individual, for the fabric of the society."

"I have been told Panem's nuclear warheads kept the world out for over a century."

"Now we want them in. Much has changed in the world and it's not such a dangerous place. In one way or another the world has come to the same end as Panem, and in many cases better off."

"So I am told"

"I'm not telling you anything you don't know, but we learned a great deal about our history since the rebellion. The history of our entertainment is amazing, both uplifting and sickening, the split in the industry, the rise to power of the presidents wed to the industry. Anyway, you probably don't want a history lesson."

"No, thank you. My son is the history major. When he came back and joined the university here in District 12, it was one of my proudest moments. That and my daughter becoming resident in the hospital."

"I would imagine. My children have done me proud as well. All of our children have done us proud. I need to ask a favor of you."

"Ask."

"We are meeting a delegation from Europa. We are hoping to swap technology, especially for the electrical grid. You should hear how they talk about our ancestors; they reached the moon you know. However, I digress. They do not use coal to generate electricity. In their Canadian Providence, they generate electricity through lots of means, much cleaner then burning coal. They can produce all the electricity Panem needs. No dirty, dangerous mining. No pollution. And, they are willing to give us all the electricity free as our pollution ends up their pollution. I also think they are sincere in holding out their hand in friendship."

"You are cautious?"

"Very. My concern is District 12. There will be a great adjustment. People are use to mining coal for a living and all that will come to an end. I believe for the better but that doesn't mean it will be easy."

"You're right it won't."

"I will need your help, and the Mockingjay's help, if she is willing. I want Europa to see the very best we have to offer. Then I need you to help me with District 12. Gale believes we can find other work for the people here. He wanted to come himself, but I guess it has been a very long time."  
"It has. I know you two are good friends. I also know Kat would love to see him."

"Your story is so public. It is hard for me to see him here with the two of you."

"Kat and I love him very much. We went through a lot together. We lost a lot together."

"Yes you did. I am sure he will be happy to see you too. I know he will. He has said as much."

"Mr. Comte, Kat loves me, more then you might be able to imagine. She loves her mother, our children, Haymitch, still all those we've lost, and yes Gale, and she always will. Love isn't a child's game of 'being in love' and watching the person from a far, it is much more, much heavier, much deeper. I am the one Kat chooses to make a life with and I am very proud of that. I grew up without feeling loved. She has to put up with reminding me every day that this is real. And it is real. Does that satisfy your curiosity?"

"Thank you for sharing with me, I didn't mean to pry."

"It's fine. I painted and Kat wrote. She shared our story. It was very hard watching her write those books. Anyway, I will have to ask her. I doubt she will travel to the Capitol."

"She won't," Kat said walking out onto the porch. "She has every intention of staying right here."

"I understand."

"You may. I have no desire to see the Capitol, like my mother who will not return to District 12. My children went to college in the Capitol. Extremely hard to let them out of my sight. They came back. I never once visited. I called every night at first. But, I never went to see them, and I never will go to the Capitol."

"You must be happy to have them home."

"Yes. Peeta convinced me I had to let them go so they would come back. I want for nothing now, finally. I do wish you the best. And, in District 12 we will do everything we can to help the transition for our friends and neighbors."

"We never met before. I met your husband after you returned to District 12. Before they released him. I came to care for him and through everything know you, I suppose. I certainly understand. I have also asked the Europa delegation to come to District 12 so they can see the hard work of the miners they will displace before we set about very carefully changing their lives."

"I am sure that will be very much appreciated. And thank you Mr. Comte . . ."

"Please, Auggie."

"Thank you Auggie for your kind words. Peeta told me you lost your wife in the Rebellion, though she didn't die; she lost her mind. Peeta said you never gave up on her, though she hated you because her children died. May I ask, how did things turn out?"

"I have never given up."

"You aren't together today?"

"It would make for a sad story to say we are not, so I will simply say I have not given up. I take care of her. Love is unconditional is it not?"

"It is. We do hurt those we love and those that love us the most, don't we?"

"Well life is like that. In all that pain, when we grew up and realized we are really alone in this world, unconnected, and we were terrified. When we learn to trust some connection to another person, we find happiness beyond belief, then we keep making those connections and if we are lucky we make one which we cannot live without."

"Yes we do Mr. Comte, if we are lucky. It is difficult to do. I will be happy to hunt and I know Peeta will be happy to cook, so please invite your delegation. I look forward to meeting them. Look, the sun setting behind you. Now that is beautiful."

Turning around to see it, she takes his arm, "I have one of Peeta's paintings of that very sun set in my living room."

"It is of the sun rising," I add before they are too far away from the porch for me to hear regarding a painting of a view from the other porch.

I do hear a bit that fades as they walk, "he is a pretty good painter, isn't he? Peeta would love it if I went on and on about him." Taking Comte by the arm Katniss walks him down into the gardens, looking around.

I know she showed him her primroses. She'd tell him how our children can bake and hunt and lots of other things too. She'd tell him how she never wants to leave 12. I saw her wave at Haymitch and Annie and her son visiting us for the month. She'd tell how Haymitch, Annie, and so many were lone tributes, and how she has me. Many times she'd say to anyone who would listen, "I can be terrible trouble to Peeta, leaving him behind to go hunting with my friends, but he knows I'll return with something great for dinner . . . He just can't stand for me to be out of his site, and never at night. Haymitch has his liquor. I have my Peeta."

I have no doubt she offered to entertain the European delegation. We agreed on the importance of friendship. We also had faith that humanity had finally evolved once and for all.

She took hold of the pearl pendant hanging from her neck. No doubt he asked her about it. Everyone does. She brought it to her lips.

She told him about our history, the fact that centuries ago my family had a cottage on a lake way up north of here. Our son has been there, just a small place in the middle of the woods. Our son says we have a history. He brought back from there plastic disks used for storing recorded television. Kat got caught up in a show where a boy fell in love with a girl and the girl for the boy only to have war separate them by forty years. As a family we watched it and fell in love as they fell back in love. The show was known in Europa, from where it came.

She points to a dandelion and I know what she's saying.

He tells her, "I don't want to say goodbye to you and Peeta."

She replies, "Please don't. My son has also taught me about spirituality, religion, theories of love and creation and peace. There is a place our spirits go to when we die so we don't have to say good-bye. It seems true to me. I mean there is just too much to life to believe it can just end in an instant. It can't you know. I believe him. So not goodbye. When you leave, say until we meet again. And, peace be with you."

"And also with you."

They turn to look at me, looking at them from the porch. She says, "he is a handsome man don't you think? He just gets more and more handsome. I'm not good with words like Peeta. He'll wow your Europa delegation."

"Yes he is. I must say you aren't what I expected."  
"How so?"

"I didn't expect you to take my arm and talk so openly to me."

"You're our President. Shouldn't I be friendly?"

"Thank you."

She doesn't tell me though I know she needed to get him alone. I know what she says while, smiling and waving to me, "you see I wanted you to understand what District 12 and more so what Peeta means to me and for you to know if anything upsets him . . . I just don't want him to be upset in anyway."

"You love me," I mouth to her. I'm sure Comte thinks I said "I love you," but she knows better, she knows me.

I know she would be saying "I'm not good with talking to people like Peeta is, but I am very effective in the moment."

"Real or not real," I yell out just loud enough for them both to pick up.

"Real!" she says back. The Mockingjays repeat 'real' as if a chant echoed in the trees. 'Real' fades as it always does, almost sounding like 'Forever More' until I can her it no more. Then she says in a soft voice, which Comte can hear and I can read, "I love you very real Peeta, as real as you love me."

Mayor Delly Hawthorne approached me and Katniss as we enter the ballroom, a grand addition put on the Mayor's house just for the occasion of entertaining the Europa delegation. She hugged us both. Katniss didn't care for being touched like that in public, though she tolerated Delly, but probably only Delly. Rory just shook our hands.

I told them "good to be here." I smiled and noticed the new room and said, "I see what you've done with my lost money."

Rory went a long with the joke, "it's not my fault you had a run of bad luck the other night."

"What are you talking about?" Katniss asked.

Delly answered, "their usual card game. But, the Capitol built this addition just for the occasion. Though, if your luck doesn't pick up we'll be able to add on that sunroom I want."

I replied, "Well I did use up all my luck earlier."

Drawn into the room, into the crowd, The President makes it over and introduces us to the Europa Ambassador. We mingle, though Katniss has never liked such functions, and eventually I pull away. Katniss keeps an eye on me; I can tell because I'm looking at her. She is so beautiful. I loose my breath. She smiles that smile that tells me I am being silly. To this day I am not certain if my romantic expressions are appreciated or an annoyance, or both, though they are certainly sincere.

Gale finally gets up the nerve to approach her with a shy, "hello."

She had lost me by that time. I could always ditch Katniss. I didn't trust what Gale would say to her so I made sure I could hear. He'd regret hurting her, I told myself.

"Hello," a slight smile and a cautious voice. A hard silence, "I've missed you."

"I wasn't sure you forgave me."

"For the bombs or for leaving me?"

"I heard you named your daughter after Prim, middle name anyway."

"Don't, that's Peeta, seek him out, he'll talk about them forever, he say's it keeps them alive and I get it, but that's not me."

"You're famous. Everyone talks about you. Your son named after your dad. Your newest dress. Teaching your children to hunt and fish."

"Too famous for my comfort. Peeta handles it well. I don't. Then functions like this, neither of us like the term, 'important people'."

"I'm sure Peeta is good at the fame thing and handling the 'important people'."

"Always was."

"You're happy right?"

"Don't."

"I just want to make sure."

"No one makes me do anything. Is that what you want to know?" I picked up a distinct harshness to her voice. "I do what I want and what I have no choice but to do."

"I don't understand."

"Gale, I was angry at you when you left. Like you died. Hadn't been angry at anyone like that since my father died."

"Why were you angry at your father?"

"He left us. Grieving isn't all tears you know. It came to pass. Just as my anger at you came to pass. You were my best friend; you were my dad when my dad was not there, and yes you confused the hell out of me, if it was more. You meant so much to me I just wanted to hear you say you approved of Peeta."

"I did. I swear I did. I do. How could I not? I only confused you by being around."

"Well you fixed that."

"I'm sorry for the way I did it."

"Well, you, among many things, confused me. My mother. Haymitch. I've watched my daughter grow up, it is the confusion of adolescence. We just had the rebellion added to it all."

Then silence fell between them, the noises of the crowd filled the space. Then she said in a hushed voice I had trouble hearing, "how could you leave?" I think she said.

"I was angry, hurt, afraid of myself. I had no idea what else to do. I left thinking I'd become somebody you'd regret not choosing."

"I didn't choose Peeta."

"You do love him right?"

"How dare you. All right, it was difficult to come to terms with, all the game playing. And, there were my feelings for you, my best friend. But what more is love then feeling safe, safe to share everything about yourself, safe to give up everything about yourself, safe to be everything you can be. I was safe with you once, safe enough to tell you everything when we were kids, or at least what I thought was everything. Safe enough to be myself and smile once and awhile. Safe enough to be a kid. But with Peeta, it was somehow different and I couldn't figure out how. I loved his kisses. I was safe too, but I was more, it was more then an occasional smile, more then happy. I had no choice in the matter. I cannot explain it."

"You don't have to."

"I hear about you too. She sounds sweet. I hope my books didn't cause her any pain."

"No. That was my life before I knew her. You know you didn't kill me when they took me away."

"My son is into old music. You should see the huge collection he has. There is a song about a long and winding road that he shared with me. It reminds me of you and I smile."

"I'm glad you smile."

"You should hear the song first."

I walked away from the rest of it, being ushered up on the stage, hoping I didn't miss anything, but I'm certain I did, miss something. Katniss caught my eye and winked that knowing wink. It wasn't any of my business, but she wasn't going to be hurt by him. We didn't keep any secrets anyway. I thought, I'd suggest they go hunting on Sunday, if he stayed. I looked at the steps, I thought, I am real, as insecure as everyone else. I took a deep breath.

They watch me take the stage. Everyone hushed and I spoke to the room. I remember looking at them realizing, I'm pretty good at this, much better at speaking to a room full of strangers then my wife, even now to my kids, at least when I most feel the pain of life. Nothing like that happened when I spoke to a crowd. I just hide, right there up in front of them. I spoke to all of District 12, all of Panem listening, "we were left to figure out what were the core beliefs of Panem and we could not make sense of what we found. Punishment. We lived daily with uncertainty and at far too young of an age the uncertainty of death. We were not asked, we were moved from the granite foundation of which we knew, no matter how horrible the conditions, into the muck of uncertainty and soon we were all sweep in, drowning in flames. Now the people of District 12 are being asked to face uncertainty again. We found we needed to live on more then bread, even the Capitol on more then commerce. We came together, our diverse districts, and we became accepting and secure with each other. To be human means to live beyond what we can see, feel and touch. To be human takes us to see the point beyond the symbol. We do not look at the symbols but at the reality to which she points. We were asked, no, we were pushed to go beyond, beyond ourselves. These symbols, such as the Mockingjay, keep us together. Still, you have to go beyond such to find what is real and keep at it again and again. This journey, this jumping off the granite we know, it is scary, as scary in some ways equal to the games we once played. You will never know fulfillment without hunger. Many among us have been hungry. You will never know the beauty without the ugly. Many of us are scared inside and out. Never feel the intimacy of another without taking the risk of that first kiss. Many of us have again and again had taken from us our fathers and our friends. And I stand before you asking again to give up the known for the unknown. I once asked you to give to the poor and you did. I said to you the main problem of human existence is our violence toward each other, and I asked you to give it up, and you did. I asked you to go beyond the resurrection as a symbol and to forgive." Looking at Gale, "to forgive them for they do not know what it is they have done. Now I ask you to bear with me as the mine is closed." I stopped and looked into Kats eyes for steadiness. I waited to let the words sink into the mind of every resident of 12. "I promise you I will never leave you. Even if I am taken, I will still be here with you. We will come through this together and while you will never forget, you will be the better." I looked at Kat's eyes swelled up with tears. My voice chokes up, "I do a lot of talking. Looking in each others eyes, seeing those we've lost, day in and day out, we are not alone. Many of you do a lot of work. Hard and dangerous work. We are blessed. Our children will be better off then we found ourselves. We will progress. I promise you, you'll be blessed. Peace be with you."

Gale placed his hand on Kat's shoulder. He said something. Later she told me he said, "you could never have done better." She said that he stated that, "everything he does is for . . ." and that he could not finish the sentence. He choked up.

When I found them I heard her say, "I feel the pain when I touch the wound, yet I can let go of my bitterness as long as I have him." She smiles at me when she sees me and continues, "he holds my hand so I do not touch the wound, so I can sleep. There is a scare, though most of the time I don't notice it. I was lost . . . ." She stopped looking at just me.  
Gale finished, "and he found you."  
Her smile broaden, still staring just at me, a side of her I seldom see, a side I adore appeared, "I bare witness to the truth. He is my rock. I rejected him. Then he rejected me, though not of his free will. He was the most beautiful stone I could imagine, perfect. We were born from the pain of persecution. 'Persecution caused so many to scatter when Panem was created. Our ancestors were confused. How could they know what they could not see?' Our son said this to Peeta, and I wanted to know, how any of us could know. My daughter smiled at us. She told us, 'I can feel it. And, if I can feel it and I can learn to trust my feelings, then I can love'." Only a few times in all our lives together did Kat speak so eloquently. She held it for the times when I really needed it. Her words left us all silent.

Finally I interrupted, "Gale how are you?"  
"Fine. I hear from my brother you're a bit poorer."

"Its only money; we'll mint more. I am a bit nervous about the shutting down of the mine. And, Kat is trying to talk me into spending the hot summer 'up north'. But, not until I take care of things here. Well unless she gives me no choice."

"Sounds like a good idea. You should give him no choice. If you leave he will follow."

"See I told you Peeta, even Gale thinks it's a good idea."

"We will. Of course, we will. As soon as we've handled things with the mine workers."

"You're a lucky man Peeta."

"Don't I know it."

"Luck has nothing to do with it. You work hard Peeta. You must have practiced that speech a thousand times, and probably another thousand inside your head. You never give up. That's not luck." I was appreciative of her words but I knew luck or God had something to with it.

Gale said, "well it was nice to see you both. I need to make the rounds. People I am suppose to see."

"Take care," I said to him. I forgot about the hunting by then.

"Yes take care," Katniss said, though with much less cheer.

"So what did you find out before you made that speech?"

"Contracts are signed. In return for pollution control, Europa will set up a plant here to make machinery for their aerospace program. They are setting up the Homer Hickam Space Center."

"Who is Homer Hickam?"

"I'm told an ancestor of 12. Noah confirmed it. He pioneered the first space program that put a man on the moon. Contracts are signed. There is a movie. I can get it for you."

"No thank you."

"Plant begins construction on Monday. Mineworkers will all be hired as general construction labor. Some will be given construction trades. When it is done they will all go to work in the factory. Lots of parts to produce."

"Who would have thought, 12 will be Panem's leader into outer space. Do we really want to go into space?"

"Why not? Everyone is living very comfortable. I think it's a worthwhile project. The Ambassador told me he was impressed by the equality of our society."

Katniss kissed my cheek, "so we can go now?"

"After Monday."

"Well yes, but I mean leave here now."

"I suppose we can."

"I tell you what, I'll let you kiss me all night if we leave now."

I took her arm and we left.

I told Haymitch and Noah of our trip 'up north' as the two played chest out on the back porch. "It was close to impossible to land the hovercraft. Very little clearing. I don't know how you did it."

Noah responded, "well we both know you didn't do it," referring to his mother's driving skills. While this trip 'up north' may have been her first foray in years, she often had practiced around 12, taking extended picnics with the kids and friends. "We followed the old paths, what you had told us had been old roads. In some places, it was apparent, crumbling debris, in others almost totally lost."

It took some time, the better part of a day, to put up the tent and arrange all the equipment. I kept thinking how nice it would have been to have help. The house appeared in the woods, on a lake with Noah's sign, "If you love life, do not squander time for that is the stuff life is made of?" It looked like it could be a comfortable cottage. It would have been nice if Katniss had waited until it was back up and running. She was in a hurry to see.

We took walks and sat around talking. Katniss hunted and I cooked. She showed me how to fish. She finished the swimming lesson she started years ago. I offered to teach her to cook something a bit more then game on a spit.

Noah remarked, "when are you going to give that up?"

"I figured I learned to fish, she could try. I wanted to teacher her. If after all these years Delly is learning to making something a bit more enjoyable, I'd think so could your mother."

Haymitch remarked, "you didn't tell her that did you?"

"Yes, why?"

"Dad!"

"What?"

"Never mind."

We spent weeks together, alone. I talked about every memory we had, mine alone and ours collectively and again so many people lived for us. Eventually she talked about her family, even Prime and Gale and Madge, oh and Rue. We had a wonderful time. Katniss lost at cards so many times I think she owes me about a million kisses.

One evening, under the stars, her lying on my stomach looking up at the vast blackness dotted with points of light, she asked me, "what would you have done if I came home to 12 with Gale?" I told her "I would have come home too and moved next door. Done nearly everything I've done with my life so far, well except that what we have done together." And, do you know what she said? She said, "that is so sad." Then when I said, "I didn't mean I'd pine for you. I might have married and had children and lived a good life. Yes, I would have often thought about you and I'd miss what I'd dreamt about, but that doesn't mean I wouldn't be happy. And, that doesn't mean we'd never be together."

Noah commented, "she asked that because you brought up Delly earlier."

"Why would she be bothered that I mentioned Delly."

Haymitch, "what is with you? The way the girl looks at you, I'm surprised her husband even talks to you. But then every girl looks at you like that. You're Peeta."

"Oh come on. Anyway. You know what she said next. She asked if I would have been hoping for Gale to die so we could eventually be together."

Noah commented, "knowing you, you went on and on about Delly's cooking, oblivious to the expression on her face. How you can manipulate thousands of strangers and not be able to even pick up when Kat is jealous."

"When I told her that of course I wouldn't have wished for him to die, and mind you this didn't happened, but I told her I knew we would have had our time together. I told her we were meant to be."  
"Katniss we were meant to be together . . . What would you have done if I came back with Delly or Joanna?"

"What? You had feelings for Delly? Joanna!"

"She's the only one I knew when I came back from the Capitol all highjacked. I clung to her. I clung to her and Madge the first time I came back from the Capitol and you ignored me. We shared a lot, a common history, our families were friends. Joanna and I shared the torture of the Capitol."

"You could have loved them?"

"I do."

"What?"  
"Not like with you. No one could ever be like with you?"

"Oh Peeta."

"When did you realize you loved me?"  
"You know."

"Tell me again."

"As long as I can remember I felt something for you, though if you mean when I fell for you? That was when I realized how much I wanted you to kiss me. Not all the phony kisses, the real kisses that were just you and me."

Of course she asked for my story again, of when I fell in love with her. We talked about wanting to stay and just freeze the moment. Though, no moment can be frozen and part of us wanted to return as well. Torn between staying and returning, we agreed to come back home and returning as often as we could.

Noah, "well I'm glad the pull of your children won out."

Haymitch, "I'm just surprised she didn't clobber him.

"Mother gets her little pangs of jealousy. But then she pouts and he breaks down. I remember one time, she was upset with him over something. Who knows what. He offered to take her into town for dinner and a movie. That was usually all it took. But, what ever he did, that wasn't going to cut it. She said he wasn't that lucky. He said to try him. So she handed him the dice and told him only if he rolled a Yahtzee. So he did, first roll, all sixes. She couldn't believe it. I wouldn't have if I hadn't been there myself."

"Well her pouting is his fault. She use to not be like that. She'd sulk and could be down right mean, but pouting, never. With in a year of marriage that was her new technique. She'd stop talking to him and suddenly he agreed to what ever she wanted."

"Well dad, all I can say is it's a good thing you let those men win at cards. How there wife's adore you ticks off mom and would probably them too, except for its hard to be made at a man who looses money so pleasantly."

Eve came out onto the porch, "and what did you say to mom?"

"Nothing?"

"She's in there saying, you told her you might have married Delly."

"I meant if I couldn't have been with your mother. I would have waited for your mother forever if I'd had the slightest chance. So I did."

"Well it's a big hullabaloo in there."

I followed Eve into the kitchen.

Greasy said, "I'm sure he would have."

"What? You think he has feelings for Delly?"

"You both do. Not to mentioned if not for the games and the rebellion wouldn't it have made sense? They grew up together. Like you and Gale."

"Greasy!"

"Why are you jealous?"

"No I'm not jealous."

"Jealous of what?" I asked entering the room.

"Nothing," Katniss remarked.

"She's a bit jealous of the idea that if you had not married her you might have married Delly."

"I am not." Katniss looked pissed.

"I'm sorry Kat," I said.

"Its ok, he still gets jealous of you," Greasy remarked.

"I do not."

Greasy takes a bowl of salad to the table, "ok eat. No bickering."

"We don't bicker," we said in unison.

"Now you are both lying to me. You two cackle more then my chickens."

"We do not," Katniss tossed out as we sat down.

"We do now and again," Peeta noted.

"Shut up," she laughed. "Ok we did but not like when we were raising the kids."

Haymitch and Noah joined us for lunch. Silently they watched the show and with Eve shared smiles of knowing.

"This is true. What a journey that was. Noah has you wrapped around his little finger."

"Oh like Eve did with you."

"You couldn't get him to do his school work, you'd just coddle him."

"Like you coddled Eve."

Greasy said, "did you hear that Galen is here from the Capitol, going to work at the hospital with Eve?"

"Who is Galen?" Katniss asked.

"Galen Hawthorne, Gale's daughter."

"She's moving to 12?"

"She'll be staying with her aunt and uncle until she finds a place of her own," Noah says.

"They didn't mention it yesterday."

"Didn't know until today I suppose," Eve said.

"Gossip gets around 12 fast."

"Not gossip. Noah told me this morning."

"Noah? Who told you?" Katniss enquired.

"He was the one that worked it out for her."

"They talk? You two talk?"

"Message all the time?"

"Oh I hate that messaging."

I said, "it's pretty nice to keep in touch with people that live far away."

"Stop disagreeing with me."  
"I'm not," I replied with equal strength.

"So your son is keeping in touch with Galen Hawthorne?"

"Now he's my son. Besides what's wrong with Galen Hawthorne?"

"Besides being from 2," Greasy says.

"It's not that," Kat insists.

"There are still some issues with District 2," Greasy noted.

"Not with me there aren't. But I've heard about Galen. Not like she avoids getting on television."

"With her famous father of course she would," Noah remarked.

"You guys aren't like that, and he's no more famous then we are. They're vulgar famous."

I laughed, "I know what you mean. All those boyfriends they say she has." I saw Noah's face and quickly added, "but that doesn't mean she's sleeping around."

"They don't say she does much sleeping," Katniss remarked.

"Katniss Lily Mellark," I quipped.

"I'm just saying what I hear." We all gave her a look. "Ok, ok. Besides, we don't even know. They could just be friends," she said with an imploring look at Noah.

Greasy says, "I think we'll know tonight. She's coming for dinner. It could be fun."

Not much got said at dinner. Mostly pleasantries, talk about the flowers in the garden and a bit about Noah's music collection. Nina Simone sung in the background. Everyone was dead silent during "Wild Is the Wind . . ."

. . . Love me, say you do. Let me fly away with you. For my love is like the wind and wild is the wind . . . Satisfy this Hungriness. Let the wind blow through you heart. For wild is the wind . . . With your kiss my life begins. You're spring to me. All things To me. Don't you know you're life itself . . .clings to a tree. Oh my darling cling to me. For we're creatures of the wind

(Dimitri Tiomkin, Ned Washington 1957).

Galen complemented Katniss' pearl pendent. "Thank you. Peeta gave it to me. He held onto in the hospital until he could return. When he did it was mounted in a beautiful ring, but I don't wear rings. So he reset it for me." I wasn't sure why, when Katniss generally says so little to strangers, she felt the need to explain so much about the pearl.

Annie was saying something from a poem, ". . . it's like you're ashamed that anyone could be that important to you, like you feel like nothing without them." She is just looking at her plate. She's not talking to anyone and yet to everyone. The words of Rihanna's "We Found Love," centuries old, Noah played it maybe more then three days ago. It must have been stuck in her head, in my head too. "When it's over you wish you could have all the bad stuff back so that you could have the good . . . 'cause I love you more." She gets up and walks out of the room."

Noah said he was sorry but before she left Annie told him not to be, and how much she loves his music. Finnie went after his mother. Within a few minutes, they walk back into the room, Annie's face obviously puffy from crying, Finnie's a bit the same. I held her chair for her.

"I'm so sorry for that," she says.

"Don't be," Katniss says, "we all miss him."

The conversation returned to more light natured subjects. Katniss talked about my work on the new aerospace factory. I tried to down play things. Eve tells me, "don't be so modest."

I tell them, "no one is more important then anyone else."

Katniss says, "it's a clever parlor trick."

We turn to talking about books. Galen shows a disinterest in the ancient philosophers' Noah has given her to read. Katniss says she prefers his lectures to reading them herself. She turns to bragging on her son and his ability to bring interest to the most 'dry' of subjects. Katniss talks about Eve working in the hospital and how all her friends have such great things to say about her.

She tell Galen about Haymitch and how he was the greatest uncle the kids could have had, how he took us horse back riding and played hide and seek with them, how he rowed across the lake for picnics and showed them how to waltz. She talked about Finnie, how he just charms everyone, 12's great senator. It was unusual to hear her talk so much, almost like she was brining Galen into the family or something.

We retired to the living room and talk switched to all the artwork, my paintings, Eve's sculpture, Haymitch's glass pieces and Noah's framed poems. Galen was impressed by all the happy photographs of the kids growing up scattered on tables around us. She inquired about the TV and was told we take it out of the closet when there is something to watch. I think she was taken back by that.

That evening Noah walked Annie, Finnie and Haymitch back home. I sat on our back porch and could hear, nearly every word. Noah sat on the porch with Haymitch for a bit. He said, "please tell me again what happened when my father came to see you on the train on your way to the first games."

"You know it's about the only part of the games I want to remember. But why now?"

"I know it is. I don't know. I guess I feel like things are about to change for me. I just want to remember how strong he was."

"There is strength in emotions. There is strength in thinking things out. And most importantly, while you mother paints a picture of the man she loves as perfect, he is not, but he is pretty damn close." That brought a smile to my face. I don't know why he popped into my head then, but Haymitch always got me to remember my father and to miss him.

"Its sad to think what they went through, but it helps me to know them better."

Haymitch says, "he walked into my room, I thought ready to kill me. I was already in the bathroom, my head over the toilet. He was yelling at me to sober up and that we had to save your mom. I was shocked. Didn't think the boy had it in him. He said that she had to win and he needed me to make that happen. I told him that she couldn't win. He offered to sacrifice himself and I just laughed. Haymitch recalled it, nearly as I remember it, except he didn't recall how I was trembling.

"_Stop laughing, there must be something I can do," Peeta snapped. _

_ "Why her?" I asked. _

_ "I just want her to be able to go home and get her life back to the way it was."_

_ "Oh that's rich. You know what her life was like, who'd want that life back?"_

_ Peeta's voice calmed down, became steadied, "she'd be the Victor; her life would be better."_

_ "You don't know what happens to Victors, pretty thing like that. If you love her let her die." _

_Tears swelled in his eyes, "there must be something we can do."_

_That's when I started the shower to drown out the noise, so no one could hear us and I said, "short of killing President Snow?"_

"_If we have to," is what Peeta replied._

_I got deadly serious, "You do know what you're saying?"_

"_I can't let them hurt her."_

"_You can't stop it. But why?"_

"_It's not right."_

"_How do you feel about her?"_

"_No one deserves this."_

"_So just any person?"_

"_Its just I know her. I've watched her. I use to tell my friends Delly and Madge all about her and they'd tell me. . ." He didn't finish. _

"_Tell you what?"  
"I just never had the courage."_

"_Well neither one of you has that luxury now. So you've got a crush on this girl?"_

"_I have to do something. I've decided they won't take from me who I am and the man I am won't let them hurt her."_

"_Alright. With your help, she can win and it might be worth winning. We can start a rebellion. There's District 13 . . ."_

_ "You're drunk. There's no District 13." _

"_Yes there is. They didn't destroy everything, though there leader isn't much different from Snow, we need to use her for the time being."_

"_Who's we?"_

"_The resistance."_

"_We could all die, if anyone ever found out we even talked about this."_

"_Boy you are already marked to die, and so is your sweetheart."_

"_Alright, so what do we do?"_

"_You need to understand, anything we do is going to have repercussions. Most likely they'll take it out on both your families, kill your mom, dad, everyone. Same with her's."_

"_She can't loose Prim. Probably not Gale either but definitely not Prim."_

"_They already know she's her weakness. They'll do what ever they want to Prim to force Katniss to obey them. And to anyone else they believe she loves. If she wins both their lives are over. They aren't going to let some wild Victor out there stirring up the people. But together, they might just focus on controlling the two of you and if we act fast enough."_

"_I can't sacrifice Prim."_

"_That's not up to you. She's already been sacrificed. That was just dumb luck. Like you being called up."_

_Peeta was beginning to be obviously disturbed, "I can't have my family die, but Katniss. I can't do this." His eyes swelled with tears. _

"_Then you'd better die in the arena and leave Katniss alone to what ever they want to do to her."_

"_No!" _

"_I'm sorry Peeta, you have to grow up faster then you should. But you have to make a decision: make a stand and protect the girl you love and change everything or lay down and die."_

"_I'll agree, but Prim has to live."_

"_I promise I'll do my best."_

"_I made my dad promise and you're telling me he'll die. I know Gale would have promised Katniss. But, your promise, how do I know you'd do anything for anybody?"_

"_You know."_

"_So what do I do?"_

"_Tell the world you love Katniss. I can sell that. Everyone will be swept away in the great romance. You'll get sponsors and emotions will run high."_

"_Alight."_

"_You agreed to that awfully quick. She's going to hate you, like you'd be forcing her into something, manipulating her."_

"_No I'll tell her what I'm doing."_

"_Tell her what? You love her. She's not going to believe it. Tell her what happens to the Victors; why should she believe that either? Tell her you're going to fight the Capitol, that you're sacrificing your family for her. Go ahead, hatch a plan with her to fight the Capitol. You'll scare the hell out of her, just as scared as you are."_

"_Stop it! I can't," Peeta begins to cry, "I can't do this. I can't let them kill them. They're taking everything. I can't do this."_

"_Yes you can."_

"_No, no I can't" his face covered with tears."_

"_You have no idea what you can do."_

"_I just want her to be safe . . . and happy too." He was balling by this point, "please Haymitch. They're taking everything. I don't want to leave the area alive with her dead."_

"_Grow up Peeta! They already have taken everything, long time ago. You have a chance to make things right. And who knows, maybe get the girl."_

"_No, everyone knows she's going to marry Gale."  
"Gale Hawthorne? He doesn't love her."_

"_How would you know?"_

"_Let me ask you. Some random guy was called, somebody to weak to help her, or even strong enough to kill her, doesn't matter, they call his name, what did you intend to do?"_

_He stopped for a moment, sobering up. It wasn't that he was thinking as much as he was taking control back, "volunteer." _

_I lost my breath. Totally sober myself at this point. "No hesitation?"_

"_I already knew. My dad already promised me he'd help feed her family the year before, if she had been called. And this year I told him, if Prim was called, she'd_ _volunteer. I knew she would. I didn't know if I could if I had too. Good think I didn't have to think about it. I wanted to."_

"_Well, I'm sure this boy will think, 'why didn't I just volunteer' and he'll justify what he did, or didn't do; we all tell ourselves the reasons we need to hear to live with our decisions. His reason could be true. Though the truth is, he just doesn't feel about her like that, otherwise he would have not thought and just did."_

"_What does that matter any way? I don't care if he loves her or not. I mean I do, I guess, if she's with him; she wants to be with him, not with me." Tears are streaming down his face and I know that pain. I feel that pain. _

"_You're wrong."_

"_You don't know."_

"_Peeta, talk to her, like you should have all those years ago. Damn it man up! Show her how you feel. She'll fall for you."_

"_You act as if you're all knowing."_

"_Maybe I am." _

"_I'm scared Haymitch."_

"_Well don't start drinking now."_

"_I'm going to do this. I'm going to destroy the Capitol. I'll defy them in the arena and she'll live and they'll see."_

"_Well you're too smart for just that. You'd better start thinking of what will go in its place."_

"_Alright. I can do this. Take their place. But what can I do, if I'm not here? And what will happen to her if I'm not here?"  
"I know you can. I know you will be," I put my hand on his shoulder. "I'll try and get you both out. I'll do everything I can. I promise. But, have you thought about what if she feels for you, the way you feel for her?"_

"_Stupid fantasies."_

"_But what if? What if she'd rather die then return without you? What if she feels like you do? The pain of loosing you like the pain you have for loosing her. What if she'd rather be dead then go on without you? Think about it."_

"_Then I'll have to stay alive."_

"_Yes you will."_

"_Promise me you will look out for her. Promise me no matter what happens to me. That means Prim too. Prim is all she cares about. "_

"_That's not true."_

"_Ok and Gale, and probably her mother."_

"_No its not. She's closed off most of her life because of all the pain she's experienced, but it's not true, no more then this drink can help me out of caring for people. They sneak in anyway."_

Haymitch said to Noah, "I don't think he realized it was him I was talking about. I had intended to use them for the revolution. I never waivered in that. I just didn't expect to care about him as much as I came to, instantly, in that brief moment. They were heaven sent and while it took me awhile to fall for your mother, I feel for your father in that instant."

I recalled trying to get to her when the fire mutts covered the Capitol. I ran into them, burning. I pulled down and covered a child of the Capitol, a scene now famous in all of Panem, so famous my first meeting when I woke up was with the generals of the Capitol that had captured Snow. I pulled Katniss down with me and tried to cover a second child as well.

I meet with the generals of 13 to hand over Snow together. Their faces were familiar from my torture as they watched Snow's men abuse me. Of the five, four grimaced. The outlier would eventually be relieved of duty.

Coin rewarded me; named me Captain in 13's army. I asked her to help me with the children. I knew what she had done and knew she would take the bait. All of Panem saw my speech to lay down their weapons for our children and Coin's promise to take care of every child. "She is the other side of the Coin my fellow subjects. We must not abuse and neglect our child." She held out her arms as if to embrace them all. I handed her Panem and the answer to control Panem for herself.

After Katniss killed her, her Generals meet with me. They handed me their nukes, safe in my hands as the generals of 13 had felt. They said they were afraid of war. They said I loved her. They said I loved Panem and our children. They declared peace. I collapsed and had to be taken back to bed. Haymitch carried me.

In our room she stood up out of the warm bath water and wrapped in a towel. She walked into the bedroom, over to our bed and I stood behind her, turned her around in my arms, in one fluid motion of laughter and joy her towel was ripped off and flung. She pulled me down to the bed and we rolled around, my naked chest to hers, her naked legs rapped around the silk of my pajama pants. My mind recalled the song that so obsessed Annie at dinner as she hummed, "in a hopeless place, in a hopeless place . . ." She hums and then moans as I suck on her ear into my mouth. She loves to hum for me. She loves to moan for me. My mind still fixated on the song, "feel the heartbeat in my mind," while her hands run through my hair, "We found love in a hopeless place." My mouth moved down her neck, "yellow diamonds in the light . . . ." (Calvin Harris 2011). Obsessed with the song, with the feeling, the hopelessness, and she has said again and gain to me that only I can shake her from it. I am obsessed with Katniss as she is obsessed with me. She told me "you make me so happy, safe and loved, Peeta" She knows I like to hear these things, to hear my name on her lips.

Every part of my body shakes in the hands of the only woman I have desired as she whispers, "stay with me."

I reply, "always."

Her eyes tear up, "this girl is going to change everything isn't she?"

I agree she might, but not necessarily for the bad. "I just think about us. All we went through, even after you came back to me. Like the wind we run hot and cold, often it makes us feel good, but we are never destructive."

"What if their relationship is like that? I don't want to see him hurt."

As always I tell her that we can only be here for him, our son, as with our daughter, and that it'll be ok. Then those insecurities sneak in, and I know she's thinking of Gale?

"That's a different kind of wind," she tells me, guessing my thoughts accurately. "You get it, gale wind," She tried to make me laugh.

I smirk, "I get it. Now go back to humming," I say as my lips return to her body, my hands holding tight to her back.

We made love and end up tangled in the sheets. Her head lying on my chest I said, stroking her hair, "I have something to ask you."

"You got me in a good mood, so it must be pretty big."

"Noah is being awarded the Medal of Freedom."

"In the Capitol?"  
"Of course."

"Alright. I'll go."

That wasn't easy for her. Then I tell her that the President is presenting the award at a special celebration, 40 years since the end of the Hunger Games and our participation in our 1st Olympics, athletic games in which other nations participate with other countries around the world. For years this anniversary meant cameras swarmed 12 and we gave a speech, an interview in our home, hosted a party at the Mayor's house, did a lot of waving in the parade. So, she agreed to do a lot of waving in the Capitol. My lips meet hers before she could change her mind. Oh what is she going to do with those awful feelings when she arrives in the Capitol? I tell her, "I will hold her hand."

I called up Gale and had him come out to go hunting with Kat. She was already in the woods when he arrived on Sunday. I meet him on the porch and told him where to find her. "My wife isn't all that happy about this, but she says its just silly jealousy."

"I know what she feels, but Kat needs you to be with her hunting. She's entitled to a bit of her childhood back."

"Thank you."

"Our children might not be very happy. Her books, you know the part where she decides to be with you before the second games? Well, they don't like that much."

"She wasn't in love with me."

"They know that."

"She won't want to see me."

"Give her time. How long did it take her to trust you the first time she meet you in the woods?"

"Long time."

"Well there you go. Gale, it can never be exactly like it was. But it can be good. We go on, and we're lucky to connect with people when we do. She connected with you. Let her tell you everything again."

"I'm not sure I want her to. She has you for that anyway."

"We need lots of people in our lives. I am her husband, not everything. I use to listen in when she talked to her mom, just in case she needed me. I don't anymore. They are pretty good together, talking. I think maybe one day I'll get her to visit. Give her time Gale. She'll talk. She actually likes to talk."

"I don't mind listening to what she has to say, even though I know it will be all about you."

"Why do you say that?"

"I read those books too you know, always explaining her feelings away for me, brother, friend, cousin. She went on and on about being confused by you, wondering if it was real, not being able to live without it. Kissing me just to not be alone. I could never hurt her like you. I could never love her like you. She doesn't love me like that and never has."

"You're ok with that?"

"Surprisingly yes. I'm very glad for her, glad she has you and yes she is my sister, cousin or whatever."

Later that evening Kat returned home, said good night to her bow and then said to me, "what were you thinking?"

"How was your hunting?" I ignored the tone of her voice.

"Peeta, I do miss my childhood with my dad, who will never come back and with Gale too, who won't came back either, not the way he was."

"You didn't enjoy yourself?"  
"Peeta, it's not the same. I use to be able to tell him everything, at least I thought I could, my fears and anger. But he didn't know me, not then and certainly not now. You know all the good and the bad, just like I know with you. That's all I need. Yes the bad, I know we both try to pretend you are perfect and you see the good in me I didn't even know was there."

"I love you."

"He doesn't really fit with my new friends anyway. He hunts for sport. Wish I could make him see the difference."

"I wish too."

"You know Peeta, there are just people who will always compare, no matter how hard you have tried to make this a place where we are all equal, where we are all content."  
"Gale compares?"  
"He did nothing but talk about you."

"Me?"  
"He'll never be as rich, as powerful, as loved as you."  
"Oh come on."

"I know you try and pretend we are all equal, you hide it even from me in our quite world."

"We are all equal. I gave it all away."

"Slow and steady you do. And, by doing so you are stronger and richer then even before."

"I don't want to be remembers like that."

"Not everyone feels the way you do and may never."

"That's a shame."

I walked into our living room to see her reading a book, a play, a couple centuries old. She always looked so cute reading, like she was deep in thought, in a world far away and long ago. I knew that feeling. I grew up making such up in my mind, away to escape the pain of life. I didn't feel such a need much any more. A Raisin in the Sun, I haven't read it or seen it. "There's always something left to love. And if you ain't learned that, you ain't learned nothing (Looking at her) Have you cried for that boy today? I don't mean for yourself and for the family 'cause we lost the money. I mean for him: what he been through and what it done to him. Child, when do you think is the time to love somebody the most? When they done good and made things easy for everybody? Well then, you ain't through learning – because that ain't the time at all. It's when he's at his lowest and can't believe in himself 'cause the world done whipped him so! When you starts measuring somebody, measure him right, child measure him right. Make sure you done taken into account what hills and valleys he come through before he got to wherever he is" (Lorraine Hansberry).

"Good passage," I said.

"Very good," she remarked without looking up away from the page. Then she stopped. Looked up at me and said, "I love you Peeta."  
"And how do you measure me?"  
"By all the good you've done, how you made things better for everybody when you were at your lowest, when you didn't believe in your self because the world had whipped you so."

"How did you ever get to be so good with words?"  
"I live with the best."

"Ok," I said in quip more appropriate for her, a jest of humility and disbelief.

"Peeta, you are the everything that is good about the Mockingjay."

"You're the Mockingjay."

"Yes, yes I am." She sat the book down and looked at me. "Come here." I walked up to her, lain down on top of her and meet her lips with mine.

My God, I love this woman. I held her and wondered what she loved best about me. Doubts slipping into my mind, pictures of Finnick's body, Gale's stare. I shoved them right out as soon as I realized, what I love best about Katniss is how she loves me. Her hands sliding down my back, pulling me close to her. She loved with a hunger of fire, deep desire, lustful, friendly, affectionate and unconditional.

After weeks of worry, carriages rolled down Central Boulevard of the Capitol bringing the parade to the Mockingjay Building. Fireworks filled the bright blue sky on the screens of the builds which lined the corridor. Music beat through the crowd, everything wired for sound. In the last chariot rides The Mockingjay, her beautiful white dress flowing behind her, white flames radiating off her. She looks ahead, stoic. I grab her hand and hold it up. The crowd goes insane with cheers. Some people cry, cover their mouths, cry, others wave back, still other's blow kisses.

We arrive and step down, walking into the lobby. She asked me about all the uniform guards with the Mockingjay pin. I tell her that they are the Mockingjay Guard. She knew about the guards that were always present, but never seen, even when she was hunting. I never left her alone. It was a fact of life for The Mockingjay that she had to adjust to. Thought we were shocked to see so many, thousands.

Then even more shocking to her was how people bowed. I saw it in the crowds as we rolled by and as we walked through the lobby of the building. I protected her and I protected Panem.

I told her not a man in all of Panem wouldn't take a bullet for her, not a woman doesn't want to be just like her. They are an all volunteer militia. Looking around, all of Panem was there. Every Senator, the President, the leaders of every district, every cooperative, the cameras and every household. Here to meet the Mockingjay and Peeta. The guards were excited to be in uniform for the occasion, to be there to love her. I know I am trusted and respected, and by those for which I still see the need, I am feared. Together we represent all that Panem is and all that it hopes to be.

While there are many smaller shops, Mockingjay's feeds Panem, its stores collecting food from all over and developing the first trade relationships with the outside in over a century. I look out knowing, if I come to a district and campaign for someone, they are elected. I can call a person out in the light of day for some objection, and they're off whatever board they served on, public or private. Every ordinary citizen will tell how they own a piece of their cooperative because of me. Every hospital has its Mellark Clinic. In my mind I am proud but I set that aside, humbled by my obligation to them and that Kat is on my arm.

I think quickly of our deaths and the work we will leave behind. I ask that my children do not share in our burden. I ask that all of Panem continue our work, that they not leave us to have suffered in vein, that they continue to love on and other as they have loved us, as I have loved Katniss.

Every time I returned to the Capitol I remember vividly those last days. The talks with the generals from the Capitol and from the Districts, I remember the soldiers listening to them, crying, swearing they would die for me and for Katniss. I remember the trial tearing apart Panem. I remember the cheers, "long live King Peeta and the Mockingjay."

I lost my temper to Haymitch and Plautarch, "Panem is ours! We paid for it with our deaths. I will turn it over when I see fit."  
"They won't let her stay. Some of them want her dead."

"I know that! But they can't. If they do there will not be a man, woman or child left."

"You have to calm down Peeta."

"I have the codes and I've changed them all. They are mine!"

"What are?"  
"The nuclear weapons."

"How!"

"They gave them to me. The soldiers. They said they were safer with me, but I have half a mind to wipe them all off the face of the Earth. God help me, I have half a mind to end all of this now, leave nothing but pillars of salt!"

"No Peeta. This is not you. You can't let them do this do you."

"I said half a mind. The other half knows what I have to do to make her safe. I will take control of the government and I will make the orders."

"Peeta. You are hurt. You are weak."  
"I am not weak! It is weak to fear, fear a bullet, fear death, fear crying! Giving into that fear with anger. I don't fear anymore and I will control my anger. Get Greasy and Gale, Haymitch, and take Katniss home. Take care of her. Get her out of this city! Send her home!"  
"What are you going to do."

"Finish this game. Collect my prizes and when I am ready I will turn them over, and humanity will be free and Katniss will be safe. So help me God!"

I took her hand, and she smiled at me and I read her mind, 'the same gentle hand of the gentle man I've known for as long as I can remember.' We began to walk, and she whispered to me "am I really walking across the room with a man who can part the crowd by his presence?" They did part, but did they part out of being the right thing to do, to let us through, or did they part because of us? "I never doubted you in my heart, confused but never doubted your strength and your skill . . . Maybe all I ever doubted was what you could see in me."

We walked out onto the balcony. The crowd erupting in pandemonium. I held up our hands as the announcer echoed, "The Mockingjay!" I smiled at her. Still holding our hands up, I nudged her and she took a step forward.

She asked, "why didn't you tell me?"

"They love you so much."

"I don't care, just as long as you do."  
"Real."

Her eyes filled with tears, lower lip quivered, the roar of the crowd began to silence. The close up of her face on the giant screens placed all over, showed a woman on the verge of a cry, jag. Hushed whispers turned to dead silence.

"By the way . . . nice butt," I said just to her.

An enormous grin crossed her face, the grin of a young girl caring a big secret about having made love to her boyfriend the night before. She backed up to stand next to me, unable to set in her mind that it was me that just commented on the state of her butt. With a grin, the crowd broke into cheers, laughter, extreme joy. She stepped back, still holding our hands together and said to me, "go."

I stepped up to the podium, letting go of her hand, holding on to where once President Snow had addressed the masses and said, "thank you. . . . Thank you . . ." The crowd wouldn't let him speak for several minutes. Kat egged on their cheers by stepping up to kiss my cheek. "Thank you for the welcome to Panem." It must have been a good fifteen minutes before I could speak, "Forty-one years ago I declared my love for our Mockingjay in front of you, when she was just my Kat, hunting birds instead of being them. She grew in front of your eyes. Forty years ago we fought the last Hunger Games!" My voice echoed, the crowd roared.

Then I heard her voice and instantly a hush took over the crowd. Not from her lips but from the speakers all over the Capitol:

Deep in the meadow, under the willow  
A bed of grass, a soft green pillow  
Lay down your head, and close your sleepy eyes  
And when again they open, the sun will rise.

Here it's safe, and here it's warm  
Here the daisies guard you from every harm  
Here your dreams are sweet and tomorrow brings them true  
Here is the place where I love you.

Deep in the meadow, hidden far away  
A cloak of leaves, A moonbeam ray  
Forget your woes and let your troubles lay  
And when again it's morning, they'll wash all away.

Here it's safe, and here it's warm  
Here the daisies guard you from every harm  
Here your dreams are sweet and tomorrow brings them true  
Here is the place where I love you.

She smiled. She mocked the words. She held me. The sun filled the bright balcony. Our children stepped out to be with us. Haymitch, Annie, Finnie, Joanna as well. Then Joanna and then Beetee and then Gale. I spoke, "The Mockingjay gave us hope. Long live the Mockingjay."

The crowd yelled, "long live the Mockingjay."

I said, "and peace be with you."

The crowed roared, "and also with you!"  
I kissed my three fingers and held them up to the crowd. They returned the jester.

We returned home to 12 and our Victor's Village house. I spent many hours tending my gardens, showing friends and neighbors my lotuses, lilacs, irises, honeysuckle, foxglove, forget-me -knots, edelweiss, buttercups, aster, magnolia trees, marigolds, peonies and tulips. I walked the crush limestone paths, pointing out my red Auden Roses tucked away so Katniss can't see them from the house. People come to talk to me and we walk. I liked my walks with Gale, though they were few. We seldom agreed, which I very much liked. We talked about war, "yes people need to know how to fight, to be warriors when needed."

"You learned hand to hand combat."

"You learned to use weapons. But I'd also suggest a good strategies learn how to make people fight each other as well as how to make people leave you alone."

"To hide?"

"Exactly. You also need to know how to live in peace, how to work cooperatively. Then there is the need to go off by oneself and to find creativity." I showed him my shed hidden behind the rose bushes.

"Katniss has her blind I have my shed. I think she needs her's a bit more then I do."

"You don't need to be alone?"

"I can be alone in a crowd. Sometimes I think she would stay there if she could, but you can't. You have to get out and be with people, at some point put your ideas into play, create reality, work with others."

"You're the wise old man."

"I'm getting older everyday."

"We all are. I find myself visiting old friends more and more. Beetee just the other day."

"I heard. Joanna told me."

"Yes she was there. A remarkable woman you left in the Capitol. Her army of Vox's concerns me."

"Me too. They mean well, though I'm always concerned about good intentions."

"You say very little anymore."

"I'm concerned my words will be misconstrued."

"It takes a long time to figure things out."

"It can. So are you staying for dinner."

"I think I should get home."

"Katniss does miss you."

"Katnis misses the old me."

"You are the old you."

"Ok the younger me."

"No she misses you. She's a bit stuborn."

"Just a bit."

"And so are you."

"You're not."

"I've never been able to afford to me."

"You, not afford something?"

"Your daugther is lovely."

"She's better off here in 12."

"So would you be."

"You never stop do you? Always maneuvering people. Don't think I didn't notice your hand on my daughter's relationship with your son."

"You won't tell on me will you."

"No. And, thank you."

"So dinner?"

"Why?"

"You can never have enough friends."

"Now we are friends."

"Ok allies then. And Katniss misses you."

"Last time we spoke she accused me of hunting for sport."

"You don't."

"No. My son taught me all about revering the animals we kill, ancient practices. Nothing is wasted and the sole is thanked."

"Well Kat is stubborn. Have dinner with us. Tell her all about this wife of yours. We have a sculpture of her's in the study."

"Of which she is very proud."

"She should be. The Mockingjay standing with her work probably sold millions more."

"Probably."

"She talked to Noah for days about what it meant, how it meant her, the her that you knew when she was twelve."

"So what is for dinner?"

"Lamb. Doesn't hurt to have her favorites on hand. Clam chowder and flaming plum pudding, Greasy's home cooking."

"Well I have to ask my wife."

"Please, yes."

"You already have haven't you?"

"Yes I have."

"We'll be there."

We walked up to the house, "that rose," he pointed to the one by the honeysuckle, a single rose, "that one, Corinthians, dna from the thirteen districtst to make it's red, white and pink peddles."

"Kantiss must know about this rose."

"She does. She loves it, now that she knows what it is about."

"That's the rose that all of Panem talks about, the ledgion goes it nurtures and sustains all life in your garden, and every year it sacrifices it self so the rest will grow."

"Yes that is the rose."

"It's a child's story."

"It is the story of Panem. I showed it to Galen and she said she wanted her wedding dress to look just like it. I'm sure Cinna can do it."

"Do you think Katniss will ever like her?"

"Once they are married she'll be like a daughter and Katniss will not see a flaw in her. She will see only the good. That is how she is."

"She use to see such good in me."

"She does, just took her a while to figure you out."

"And I'm all figured out."

"Soon."

"And Galen? She is good with words isn't she."

"You think they'll struggle with love?"

"Of course. Look at Eve and Delly's boy."

"They struggle."

"Of course," I put my hand on his shoulder and led him up to the house and told him the stories to private to share here.

Noah married Galen eventually. Eve married Delly's son. There were grandchildren of course. There were days that poured rain and days upon days of bright blue skies filled with birds. I kept working in the gardens, joined Kat fishing now and then. Kat kept hunting, though as she got older it became more to watch then to eat. I use to ask her to take a camera with her. She never did. She met friends out there and they'd sit in the quite, now and again chat about things. I would walk into town, play cards with some of my friends. There were the grandchildren we worried about. There was the tree that year that feel on the house. Katniss lost and years later found her locket. There was the day the rocket launched taking men back to the moon.

There was our fight, the fight against evil never ends, we just keep hoping to enlist more soldiers to love one and other unconditionally. I have no idea of what to do, too much freedom to hurt one and other, too much equality to handicap each other. I only know that we can try our best to care about each other, never settling on the excuse that we had tried our best. So as people look to me for answers, that's all I can give them, keep trying to care about each other. We looked up to the sky and wondered what exists beyond the stars, laying out in the yard under the night sky, her head on my lap. There was the pearl and the girl and we held each other, recalled moments of pain, appreciated epic happiness, kissed, cried, and were all the better because we cared, cared about each other, those we knew, those we've never meet. That is why the word pearl today means love, unconditional love, an unending attempt to show carrying for ever one. I have no answers other then it was worth it, the caring, worth every tear, every rose and thorn, every pain, everything. . . . . . . .

"My father was right," I said to Eve and Noah, "while caring about people will often lead you to be fooled and tricked and even hurt, in the long run the people and experiences that surround you will be well worth it.

My first granddaughter pulled her self up into my lap as I tried to take a plate from Katniss, a determined, redheaded little girl. She took a morsel off my plate and smiled. "So you want to hear all about the pearl, the bread and the dandelion?"

"Yes grandpa tell me again."

"Well Snow didn't get what he wanted. He was very much afraid of a world he tried to control and to manipulate."

"Selfish."

"Yes. See the boy had a crush on the girl and they ended up falling in love, a love which forced the breaking of Snow's rules, and all the people of Panem believed in that love; it gave them hope that for love they too could defy the evil Snow. It was a perfect, pure love, without begging or end, a love which feed a need in the people, a need to have more from life, something new and beautiful. So, Snow wanted to break up the boy and the girl and so he manipulated the girl."

"He couldn't get at the boy could he?"

"No the boy was a master manipulator. Snow told the girl if she didn't prove her love for the boy he would take something very important from her."

"But why prove her love if that is what stirred up the people?"

"He didn't want her to. He wanted her to fail. By forcing her be in love she'd rebel, especially when she felt compelled to protect another boy."

"Who was this other boy?"

"He was what Snow threatened to take away. He meant a great deal to the girl."

"But not like the other boy?"

"In a different way. So the girl would fight to protect her family, including this other boy."

"So this another boy confused the girl?"

"It was a confusing time. Snow did not lie. With a slight of words he manipulated her into fighting the love she felt for the boy with the pearl, the bread and the dandelion."

"But he did end up taking that boy away from her."  
"He tried to, but that boy was stronger then Snow. In his mind he created a whole world were hoped for better, a world where people could love and be loved and find connections which draw them closer together instead of fears which force them apart."

"Hope is always stronger fear."

Epilogue:

I said to Panem on the 50th anniversary of our freedom, " 'we came into the world like brother and brother. And now let's go hand in hand, not one before another' (Shakespeare's Comedy of Errors). Let us never stop figuring out what is best for each other. Let us spend our life time enjoying 'one feast, one home, one mutual happiness' (Shakespeare's The Two Gentlemen of Verona). 'The words of Mercury are harsh after the songs of Apollo' (Shakespeare's Love's Labor's Lost), yet we have the hard work to do, to always continue to do, to feel and to think. We have so much a head of us, some much a head of our children. 'Give me your hands, if we be friends' (Shakespeare's A Midsummer Night's Dream), proceed, proceed. We'll begin these rites, as we do trust they'll end, in true delights' (Shakespeare's As You Like It).

Our song:

I Hope You Don't Mind by Elton John

It's a little bit funny this feeling inside  
I'm not one of those who can easily hide  
I don't have much money but boy if I did  
I'd buy a big house where we both could live

If I was a sculptor, but then again, no  
Or a man who makes potions in a travelling show  
I know it's not much but it's the best I can do  
My gift is my song and this one's for you

And you can tell everybody this is your song  
It may be quite simple but now that it's done  
I hope you don't mind  
I hope you don't mind that I put down in words  
How wonderful life is while you're in the world

I sat on the roof and kicked off the moss  
Well a few of the verses well they've got me quite cross  
But the sun's been quite kind while I wrote this song  
It's for people like you that keep it turned on

So excuse me forgetting but these things I do  
You see I've forgotten if they're green or they're blue  
Anyway the thing is what I really mean  
Yours are the sweetest eyes I've ever seen

89


End file.
